So… after a somewhat brief absence allow me to post another story regarding my neighbors. Heretofore, this particular taxonomy of post should be readily identifiable as “Caravaggio’s Encounters with Neighbors” Series. Prior articles have included my intervening in my neighbor’s allowing their children to vandalize other’s properties while awaiting the school bus as well as general medical advice offered to neighbors specific to information about applying spray pesticides is contraindicated for not wearing a shirt, long pants, and gloves. In summation, one shouldn’t wear only shorts and flip-flops while applying a chemical known as a genetic mutagen.

Back story: My current residence is situated within a common middle class suburb. Based on prior postings, you’ve come to understand that I won’t/don’t shy away from “educating” my neighbors. In staying within the charter of Blinkinblogs (read: snarky), I must state that my neighbors aren’t truly retarded as in Down ’s syndrome… but normal by current day standards. Which is meant to insinuate that they are simply caveperson-like stupid. Really stupid… otherwise known as an “average Americans”.

Fast-forward to this morning and yours truly is outside attending to his landscaping when I see my neighbor in a state of frantic panic. Upon review of presented evidence, I begin to understand that this average (meaning “f’ing dumb”) lady is upset due to “losing her poodle”. Feeling frisky, I actively intervene in the performance being played out 50 yards to the north of me. “Oh my gosh… what is going on?” I sarcastically state. Her reply was offered in full drama queen fashion…”I’ve…lost…pookey!”. “Really?”, I say… “And you let her out in the front yard?”. “Yes” came the reply.

Brace yourself, dear reader, for Caravaggio clears his lungs and begins his “tutorial”…

”I’ve noticed you’ve put in a fenced back yard this summer. I bet that cost a pretty-penny. Yet you seem determined to allow an animal whose pre-determined DNA-level “assembly code” reinforces behaviors, such as, exploring, to leave your home without any type of geographic-based restraints. Put another way, you have a fenced-in backyard, yet you allow your dog to go out into the unfenced, open front yard. Based on my observations, this is due to the fact that your couch is closer to the front door that the back door. So one can only conclude that allowing your dog outside in the front yard is more convenient to you or your husband than having to walk across the living room through the kitchen and opening the backdoor to the enclosed backyard. Now… let’s consider a simple arithmetic problem here. The 30 seconds you save by utilizing the front door is now put your dear poodle at risk. From what I see now, you are beginning to jump in your SUV and go searching for dear Pookey. So… based on the discount of 30 seconds, you are now willing to expend X amount of time attempting to retrieve your beloved pet. On top of that, you are using a 2 ton-vehicle that is transporting only you on a trip of undetermined length. What now is the cost to every single living thing on this planet? Oh, so based on your facial expression, you didn’t understand the last comment. You…(pause for effect)… are using a fucking oversized internal combustion-driven truck to go driving aimlessly around looking for a dog that could’ve simply gone into the enclosed backyard. Now you are leveraging 10 miles per gallon, spewing exhaust, all the while driving emotionally-unstable. Hell, we are all at risk… not just Pookey! All of this is caused on your estimation of convenience. All of this based on laziness. Do you understand what you are doing in this life?”

At that she got into her Ford Expedition and drove north. The funny thing is, Pookey was enjoying sniffing around my rain barrel on the side of my house and was safe the entire time.