Posted by My adoring fans, I have returned. Apparently during my absense there have been many quandries as to my whereabouts. Fan mail has been pouring in. GlazedNConfused told me that he has been beating back the throng of fans with a stick and some beef jerky. So where was I? Let’s face it you didn’t actually care at all. Probably didn’t even notice – no matter, I am still going to answer the unasked question.
LAS VEGAS BABY! I have to say Vegas used to be awesome, years ago. I was sent there by my company to do a show for the vertical we are in – software etc. The show was MEH at best and Vegas sucked a fat Palin. When I was a younger lad I used to hit Vegas on a regular basis and it was incredible. The food was cheap and the alcohol free. The women there are mind blowing (this latest trip we encountered amazing twins working at a burger place together – only in Vegas) but everything has its price, and I am both married and not into purchasing companionship.
My problems with Las Vegas are numorous and have brought me to a point where I have zero desire to go back:
- Food is expensive
- Alcohol is free, but waitresses never actually bring you any.
- Shows are so expensive its stupid. Rumor has it the new Cirque De SoWhoGivesAShit is like 500/ticket!
- I stayed at the Luxor, a place I detest, and my room sucked. Furthermore, the place needs a paintjob like Michael Jackson needs a facelift, again. More on the Luxor in a minute.
- Alcohol anywhere that isn’t associated with you throwing money on a table is expensive in a way that requires a credit check. We had drinks at Tequila and Tacos in the Luxor, drinks START at 11 bucks. They had one shot that 250 bucks. I swear if I every pay 250 bucks for a drink she better be exotic, built, and go at me like she hasn’t had a drink in weeks.
- WTF is with the Luxor Inclinators? Enigma was with me on this trip and the poor guy almost died like 7 times going up at this weird F’d up angle! BTW a pyramid for a hotel design? Not so good.
- The really nice hotels, The Wynn and The Venetian, are breathtaking to behold, truly, and also cost you your first born and sex with the parking attendant to do anything at.
- The Venetian now pumps some really amazing smelling stuff into the air. The result is you walking around in this euphoric state not giving a shit about how much money you spend. I think that should be illegal. I also want that in my office at work.
The good? We ate at The Cathouse. Amazing food. Incredible interior. “Servers” that look like they should all be super models. It was a trip. I suggest Amy as your server, she is from Winnipeg, smart, hot, and a great conversationalist. Apparently she also has a small box she keeps her male patrons’ souls in too. Weirdest part to this place is the woman in the window who gets dressed and undressed every ten minutes over and over again for an entire shift. I miss old Vegas.
Amen! As a former Vegas resident, I weep like the old indi, er, Native American on the side of the road when someone throws a Whopper wrapper out their car window, when I watched the old, classic hotels being torn down.
Anywhere Sammy, Dino and Old Blue Eyes used to fornicate is long gone, replaced by some Hollywood night club owner’s wet dream.
On top of your solid points about the expensive food (unless you want to get an overcooked sirloin and “lobster” tail the size of Verne Troyer’s shriveled wee-wee at Airzona Charlies off the strip between 3 and 3:15 am) and booze (remember the days where you could sit in front of a nickle slot machine and get sloshed on the free hooch?) the place has turned in to the playground of every Paris Hilton-type this world has to offer.
Every club is now an “Ultra Lounge” and is occupied by every former cast member of the Real World. Be prepared to wait in a Disneyland-ish line just to have a wannabe UFC dude – who is earning his steroid and stripper money by working the door at the club – turn his nose up at you because you don’t have a fauxhawk or haven’t painted yourself fake tan orange. Once inside, unless you want to plop down $500+ bucks on a VIP bottle service table, you’re standing in another ridiculously long line to get a watered down, overpriced Cutty Sark, served by the most indifferent bartenders on the planet.
There are still some bastions of “old” Vegas in town, you just have to dig through the muck to din them.