Categorized | A Walking Contradiction

Self-Discovery is a Bitch

Posted on 31 December 2014 by Valkyrie

self discoverySelf-discovery, it is a path we are all on at some point in our lives. I think more so for us forty-somethings. To which many would deem this process as a mid-life crisis.

I’m a deep thinker, always have been. My first deep thought was straight out of my mother’s womb, wondering why the heck I was suddenly thrust into bright lights and introduced to my first cold chill.

It seems nowadays I do my deepest thinking while in the throws of PMS’ing. Ah yes, that wonderful journey our eggs take every 28 days, slowly sauntering to its own methodic rhythm. All the while this process leaves us feeling like we are about to lose our minds and sanity. Estrogen seems to wash our brains down with acid of losing our self-composure. Men think it’s rough to be on the outside of this crazy-ride phenomenon, I think it’s worse to be inside of it, navigating a ship that has no real course except straight to all things hypersensitive and emotional.

The crazy thing is, is that you’d think we women would get used to this natural occurrence. “Ok, this happens once a month, next month I WILL remember how this plays out and will keep a solid head about it all”, I say to myself monthly while bracing myself. Only to find out that it never really goes like that at all. It’s like the chronic dieter who says to herself every Sunday night, “Tomorrow, I WILL start my diet and WILL succeed”. We all know how that turns out.

Leading to my point, the last week I have been in this phase. I am held captive on a lonely vessel in the seas of treacherous estrogen that has all but knocked my sense of strong direction completely off kilter.

In some fashion, I feel I should not even be writing this article because it still seems to be a taboo topic to display openly. But here goes – Uterus, Ovaries, Blood, Eggs, Period, Menstrual Cycle, Menses, Fertile,Tampons, Pads, Cramps, Emotions, Crying, Cravings, the list goes on really.

I have probably lost half of my audience with my last paragraph, but those who are still with me, clearly can handle life in all its splendid “misery”.

So, you ask where Self-Discovery comes in to play. Let me connect those dots. You see, I fear. I fear with one area in my life. It’s called fear of Abandonment. It was easier for me to type the descriptive words above about the female body, than it was to type “Abandonment”. Typing that out even caused me butterflies in my tummy and my heart to quicken and my palms to get a cold clammy sweat. Yeah, fun times.

Admittingly, and totally putting myself out there, I am in the throws of feeling both those things the last few days.
1) Ovulating/PMS
2) Fear of abandonment.
Not a good mixture. Not a fun ride. But, I am on this ride and yes, it feels like the worst rollercoaster a kid has ever been thrust onto due to peer pressure.

In the midst of this ride, I have come to realize that I need to do a bit more work in the area of my fear of abandonment issue. I will not describe in vast detail where this fear comes from, as it is not found in one place… it has served me doses, more than a few, throughout a lot of my earlier years. And yes, it saddens me and shakes me to my core.

I fear – there, I said it. I am hoping in my admitting that openly, it will be a release for me even more so. I read an article this morning that came at the right time. It was about using heartbreak to overcome heartbreak. I know the key here is to not fight this fear. It is to embrace it and let it go; which is great during most of the month. I am a disciplined person in my nature, but that ovulation thing occurs and sideswipes me every darn time.

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, as I don’t believe in them. But I am ending 2014 in the midst of estrogen running its course in every aspect of my body and hijacking my common sense. Amidst this loss of common sense, I am simply sharing that we all have fears. We all have weaknesses. We are all human. We all hurt in some aspect or another. Life does that, it’s just how it works.

Come 2015, I hope to release more and more of what I cling to that leaves me so fearful, and I hope to gain peace and understanding in this one area that trips me up every 28 days, to the day.

But hey, “Next month I will be more aware and will separate myself from this estrogen ride of madness!” Mhmmm, nice try.

Happy New Year, may you all do some of your own self-discovery and even go to those places that paralyze you in fear, to come out of it on the other side finding a place amidst harmony and peace.


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