OK following Thraxxus’ post I now feel the need to share. This is more of an observation of human behavior and the delicate balance that is a human diet then it is about the actual poop. The human species is odd in general especially when you look at American sub culture. In my never ending quest for knowledge I will now take you down my quest for the perfect poop.

Let us review my observations about people and things in the restroom while in my quest for the perfect poop:

1. Toilet Seat Cover(s): Did you know that these are just a marketing gimmick? Yes! You have a greater chance of being infected by walking through a crowded room than you do sitting on a cold toilet seat (assuming of course there is no feces spread around the rim). If you do not believe me read this.
2. The privacy look: OK needless to say this does not apply to everyone but I am sure you have oberved (or exhibited) this behavior yourself. What is the privacy look? It is when someone needs to drop the kids off at the pool but has the need to look around the public restroom first to make sure they are the only ones in the room. It’s kind of like bladder shy I guess; I think it must originate from people being made fun of for farting in grade school (you know some people never get over these things)
3. Hand washing: MY LORD!!!!! WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!!. Even if no one is looking or in the bathroom BY GOD I DO NOT want to shake your hand after it was giving you a colonoscopy. How can people not think to wash their hands after they were just wiping their own ass I do not know. And for those of you who care YES there is a PROPER way to wash your hands. Learn more about it here.

Now onto the Perfect Poop Analysis

1. The groaner: Yes you have all heard someone experiencing this kind of poop. He is the one sitting next to you groaning and moaning as if to express sexual satisfaction from the mere act of pooping, but no, in-fact, he/she is just exhibiting a poor diet as they are not eating enough (or way way to much) fiber. This is definitely not a perfect poop.
2. The runner and gunner: You all know this poop variety well it is well observed at your local Taco Hell. Position yourself so you have a clear view (but not too close) to the bathroom door and watch as people are running for their lives in an effort to make it to their porcelain god before explosion happens.
3. The dribbler:  This starts out slow and then you get an unsatisfactory plop that sounds a bit like a rabbit turd hitting a pond. This then continues for anywhere between 5 mins and 7 days until you have exhausted your will to live. If you listen closely it creates an odd drum beat with the water. Plop plop plop-plop-plop.
4. The never ending story: This is the mythical poop that will not end. When you started the poop you weighed 10lbs heavier and were 2 years younger then when it ended. This is usually the result of a nice dinner at a Brazilian Barbecue

Now before I describe to you my findings and definition for the perfect poop let us review some proper poop etiquette.

1. The courtesy flush: Look no one wants to smell the roses that come out of your tush. If you are done with your first round and need a rest before continuing flush the damn toilet.
2. Quiet Time: This is not social hour – I do not want you to talk to me about your child, day or meeting.
3. No Phone Zone: Do NOT talk on your phone while you are in the restroom. I do not want to hear you in the bathroom as I am stuck in this room with you. What does that mean? The person on the other end does not want to hear you in here either… and yes oh yes we know the echo in a public restroom is very unique.

Ok now what you have all been waiting for: through my informal surveys I have deduced the following facts make up the perfect poop. If yours in not perfect I think you need to read this.

1. There should be no pain
2. The odor should not smell like a deer was killed and left to bleed out 2 weeks ago in the stall next to you.
3. The poo should not take more then 7.5 mins to complete including clean-up time.
4. Clean-up should not take more then 2 trips to neither regions of your sphincter
5. You should be able to leave the restroom and feel satisfied.

I encourage you to add to the comments your observations about the pooping culture and I will update this post according. Let us make the word a better place by having all the important information regarding this biological necessity under one post!