Glazed’s note: I was all set to write a different post, but it would have been a downer. I usually like to buffer a cynical, “gloom and doom” post from Thraxxus and MoMagic (aka Colonel Sugar and Spice) with something a little lighter. Call it retaining the natural balance of this blog, or just call it blowing sunshine up your asses. Either way, enjoy.

I can not stress this enough: sometime around 30 years old, two hours of your time and/or $10 will increase in value dramatically. When can you tell that you’ve reached this point? For me I believe it was 2004, at about the 45 minute mark of The Day After Tomorrow. I remember thinking “You know, I’d actually rather be balancing my checkbook right now.” Talk about depressing. Furthermore, if you are a card-holding member of Thraxxus’ “Fuck You Siskel and Ebert” Club, what is to guide you when picking your movies? Well, maybe this can help. By the way, Rolan Emmerich just missed the following list, but I have a soft spot for Eight-Legged Freaks and The Thirteenth Floor. (in no particular order – they all suck)

1. Jerry Bruckheimer
Crimes against humanity:
Longtime ring leader of the Hollywood Legion of Doom
He has shoved down our throats some of the worst movies in recent memory – Con Air, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Kangaroo Jack, the list could go on forever
Humanitarian efforts:
The first Pirates of the Caribbean was a great movie, probably due more to Johnny Depp and Gore Verbinski than Bruckheimer
Beverly Hills Cop was good, and has aged well. Murphy + Bruckheimer = good movie, who would’ve thunk?
Black Hawk Down was explosive, and didn’t suffer from the crap commercialism of typical Bruckheimer fare. Ridley Scott probably had to send hookers to Bruckheimer’s hotel regularly to keep him distracted. “What, no soundtrack with Faith Hill?! Get Ridley on the…oh wait, nevermind”
Dossier:
Next time a obnoxiously loud, treacly pop song kicks in during a movie demanding that you feel a specific way, two actions are required. First, curse the director for lazy film making. Second, hunt down Bruckheimer and punch him in the nuts. Blockbuster movies built around weak pop soundtracks were first engineered by Jerry in Flashdance and then Top Gun. He is widely considered the most powerful douchebag in Hollywood, as opposed to Michael Bay who is merely the biggest. I hope that make sense. Apparently has homosexual sex footage of the biggest stars in Hollywood – that is the only explanation for the awesome cast of Con Air. Bruckheimer has also recruited some really bad directors to briefly do his bidding: Simon West (see part 2), “CGI Kangaroo” David McNally, Boaz Yakin (who?) and Dominic Sena (evil).

2. Joel Schumacher
Crimes against humanity:
Nipples and codpieces – need I to say more?
WMDs:
Almost killing off the superhero genre with Batman and Robin
Attempting to kill off Jim Carey’s career with Number 23
Humanitarian efforts:
Tigerland is underrated
I enjoyed Batman Forever, so sue me
Dossier:
Schumacher refuses to retire or die, no matter how many bombs he manufactures. Reached his peak over 20 years ago with The Lost Boys, which wasn’t exactly Citizen Kane in the first place. He prides himself on taking lurid subject matter and watering it down to make it palatable to mainstream audiences (8mm, Falling Down). Failed Hitchcock while wasting my precious time watching Colin Farrell on the phone with Kiefer Sutherland for 80 minutes in Phone Booth.

3. Gore Verbinski
Crimes against humanity:
100% responsible for the second-worst trilogy of all time – the last two Pirates movies were 5.3 hours of life-sucking awful
WMDs:
The last two Pirates of the Carribean movies
Humanitarian efforts:
The Ring was the best Japanese-to-American horror movie translation yet, which isn’t saying much
Allowing Johnny Depp free reign, possibly saving Verbinski’s career
Drugging Nic Cage into actually acting for Weather Man
Dossier:
Somehow managed to go from director wunderkind to Bruckheimer’s bitch in record time. Like Lucas, incapable of guiding actors to save his life. The result is absolute awfulness from sub-par talent like Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly. His career is still fairly new, but if he screws up Bioshock he may be run out of Hollywood on a rail – good luck, Gore!

4. Simon West
Crimes against humanity:
Con Air, one of the worst movies ever made
WMDs:
Nic Cage’s hair extensions and accent in Con Air
The exploitation of Steve Buscemi, child molestor and serial killer, in Con Air
Pissing one of the greatest casts ever assembled in Con Air
Starting the dumb sub-title trend with Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
When a Stranger Calls, a most unnecessary remake
Humanitarian efforts:
Zero.
Dossier:
Started with the Rick Astley video “Never Gonna Give You Up”, which says it all. Did I mention Con Air is a bad movie?

5. Stephen Sommers
Crimes against humanity:
Taking a long history of classic monsters out to the shed and brutally cornholing it for two hours
WMDs:
The Mummy Returns and those gawddamned midgets
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor without Rachel Weisz
Humanitarian efforts:
The Scorpion King was acceptable cheese
Dossier:
Sommers basically owes his entire career to Brendan Frasier and his underrated charm and uncanny ability to act in front of a blue screen. He has the audacity to make the upcoming and pointlessly subtitled G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. It will undoubtedly suck ass – and does anything scream “sequel in the works!” more than that subtitle? Just shoot me now. Four more movies on the way in the next two to three years is a sure sign of the apocalypse.

6. Eddie Murphy – the last 15 years
Crimes against humanity:
Norbit, for crissakes!
WMDs:
His entire resume, besides Bowfinger and DreamGirls, since The Nutty Professor in 1996 – over 17 movies!
Humanitarian efforts:
Mocked himself well in DreamGirls and Bowfinger
I should put the first Shrek here, but Murphy mailed in Shrek 2 and 3
Dossier:
Participants in an informal survey are convinced that the real Eddie Murphy was abducted sometime between Metro and Doctor Doolittle, and was replaced by a clone without a penis. That clone should mock himself more often. In 2002, Murphy had a legendary string of major movie turds that would have caused even Tom Cruise to a overdose on prescription drugs: Showtime, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, and I Spy. Egads! Since then, he has resigned himself primarily to lowest-common-denominator kids movies and fart jokes. Also the Vice President of the Money Whore Club for Actors. This club is currently presided over by Nic Cage (see Part 2), with Kevin Spacey as Treasurer.