Have you ever wondered what commericals would be like for negative things in a positive way, or if commercials were at least honest?

Like.. diabetics..a candy commercial: ”You know that every bite could kill you.. but it hurts so good..”

Here are some that we came up with. Thanks to ZA-Man and GlazedNConfused for some of these.

“Crabs…yeah like Red Lobster….mmmmm dip it in butter…but not really”

“We start off with a thick slice of pork belly…which is breaded in pure rendered whale blubber and Oreos. Thick, juicy pork…belly”

“Oral herpes – no one will notice your acne.”

“Hemeroids.. after all we all like to scratch the itch..”

“Need a vacation? Have you, like hundreds of others, discovered the wonder of accidentally maiming yourself with a chainsaw?”

“Crystal meth – for when you MUST lose weight NOW.”

“Severe radiation exposure – it’s like x-rays for your soul.”

“You say ‘Death by autoerotic asphyxiation.” We say ‘Big, big publicity!’”

“Big Mac…We don’t mind the taste.”

“You say 70 year old. Trojan says Cougar. Give your mom’s best friend a shot, Tiger.

“You can’t say ‘registered sex offender’ without saying ’sex often!’”

“Trojan – you’re hunting big game, now, mister.”

“Have you ever asked yourself, ‘Why do so many people become eunuchs, anyway?’”

“Homosexuality, its not just a choice any more.”

“Penile Implants. Don’t look ri-DICK-U-lus any more!”

“Empty refrigerators. Strangers with vans and candy. When you need a break from the kids, we know how to make it happen.”

“Genocide gets a lot of bad press these days, but you shouldn’t believe everything Hollywood says. You should experience it for yourself.”

“Predatory Lending, Inc. Because, sometimes, all you need is just enough rope.”

“It’s all the Snow Patrol and Plain White Ts action you can handle on the rockin’ Bands Whose Asses I Want to Kick Tour!”

“We give you a whole seat, but your fat ass will need three.”

“LiveJournal – because your poetry should be painful for the world.”

“Do people make fun of you because you’re skinny? Because you’re pale? Because you don’t ‘fit in?’ Try Vampire: the Masquerade. All that shit will still happen, but you can at least fantasize about ripping out their jugular.”

“Carbon Monoxide: Detect it!”

“Turkish bathhouses – when was the last time you had a MiG on YOUR six?”

“Testicular cancer – when two balls just isn’t enough.”

“New Coke – Taste our secret mistake.”

“The Middle East, your gateway to hostile adventure!”

“Now with 17% less oppression!”

“Mississippi – you don’t have to run as much as you used to.”

“Arkansas. You know you’re sister’s hot. We know you’re sister’s hot. Who are you trying to kid?”

“Crazy chicks – they may slowly murder all your friends, but get them in the sack, and wow. Just, wow.”

“Her eyes may say boiled family pet, but her boobs scream motor boat.”

“Windows Vista. Squeal like a pig.”

“Axe Body Spray – if you’re too stupid to believe our commercials, you’re too stupid to sue us.”

“Axe Body Spray – there is only one thing powerful enough to draw all women in the world to converge on one point, and that’s the Hadron Supercollider. And once that machine has killed all those geeky chicks, you can pick up the hot ones with Axe Body Spray.”

“Drugs, when you are too stupid to say no.”

“Have you always felt a little different than everyone else? Special? Like you had a destiny that would propel you above all others? And no matter how many times you’ve tried to explain this, nobody seems to understand? We do. The Kanye West Institute of Keepin’ it Real.”