This recipe originated with the fact that one day I opened up the refrigerator and made a breathtaking discovery, one that was worth sharing:

“Hun, how the f*ck did we stockpile three bottles of caramel sundae topping, every one of them open?”

I was determined not to take two bottles to work and leave them in their fridge to die, like I had so many others. An entire box of frozen corn dogs met their fate that way. Sorry, but once you have a veritable corn dog dildo at the fair, a meek store-bought pecker will not satisfy.

Authentic(?) fried ice cream is a concoction best left to the experts with medical insurance and subzero freezers. As a proud owner of a electric deep fryer, it has been tempting. However, the thought of cleaning out a dairy product and canola sludge sounds nauseating.

Anywhoo, here goes:

14 servings of vanilla ice cream*

1 splooge caramel sundae topping, bottled**

1 or 2 handfuls of Trader Joe’s Cinnamon and Sugar Pita Chips***

3 mouthfuls of canned whipped cream****

1 sombrero

Instructions: scoop ice cream into big bowl. Crush pita chips mercilessly over ice cream, then smash with even less restraint into ice cream (ponder how your 401k has taken a dump, or how your late-model SUV is worth less than the new tires you bought last year). Squeeze caramel on top, and mix briskly. Top with whipped topping. Before eating, throw sombrero on kitchen floor and dance around it. Pretend you are in a Genesis music video, and go nuts.

* If the government is really interested in the causes of obesity, they should investigate the ice cream manufacturers. Half-cup servings? Really? Because who the hell has ever eaten just a half cup of ice cream? I don’t think I’ve ever had a half-cup of anything, besides maybe comeuppance. And even then, I was a little disappointed. I guess if they put 975 calories per serving, it might turn off some consumers. At least with fast food, you can only eat as much as they can pile on a bun or in a moderately sized tortilla. The government can’t regulate how big a bowl I can own! Yet – we’ll see come November.

** I splooge = 2 hearty squeezes = 1 Peter North Special

*** Triangles of aromatic sandpaper – perfect for finishing that old-timey rocking horse.

**** Either estimate your mouth size, or actually squeeze into mouth and spit onto ice cream. You can pretend you are a mother bird, if that helps.