Today I got unceremoniously dropped as a friend from Facebook. I always wondered what would happen if I dropped someone. Would they be notified immediately? Would a little shock come through my keyboard as I dared to defy Facebook and its very reason for existence? Would the ex-friend be pissed? In real life you can just pull handy excuses out of your ass, which is made especially easy by the advent of the cellphone. “I changed phones and lost most of my numbers”, “my cellphone died”, “It fell off my belt and into the toilet, and I flushed unknowingly” or the classic: “looooong story”, as you pretend to strangle your mobile device.

On Facebook, you just drop them and that’s it. I guess I could send him a message, begging and pleading for an explanation. Why Rob – why do you forsake me? How can I make it up to you? Please just tell me. Before you completely disown me, I desperately need to know if our astrological signs destined our friendship to fail. Are we “like” the same person? I’m so sorry I didn’t take any one of the many quizzes you sent. I promise if you befriend me you will know everything about me, from “25 Random Things” to “Which
Dog Anus do you resemble?”. I only have 13 friends – that’s barely a nuclear family nowadays. I can’t afford to lose you. I remember when you first tracked me down, I thought “I gawddamn despised my last two years of high school in a new town, and who the hell is this Rob guy?”. I can almost hear the movie trailer narrator now: “He took a chance on a guy he vaguely remembered, much less gave a rat’s ass about. Be prepared to laugh and cry as you struggle to remember people you barely knew twenty years ago in ‘Facebook – The Movie’ – coming this March!”.

I’m sorry we don’t have the same political opinions – damn the 39% of my soul that could be categorized as liberal! Next time, we can have a cordial discussion about which regional BBQ is the best (Texas? Me too!) and how many gallons is too gawdy for a hat size. I believed that fb was a good venue for discussing contrasting viewpoints on politics. I was wrong. I am finally ready to admit that Obama is the worst ever after a mere month into his presidency. I yearn for your status as we speak – do you hate Mondays? Are you looking forward to better golf weather? Do you still hope that you don’t offend anyone with your conservative politics? Those little updates warmed my heart and tickled the funny bone of my soul. I heart you Rob – please come back to my virtual family.