I work in an office building and thus I am forced to share a public restroom with cohabitants of said office building. I have never been a big fan of public restrooms, and really beyond the occasional rapist or someone looking to hook up, who does? What has always irritated me about public restrooms is that they are a constant reminder of just how disgusting humans really are. I suppose I can deal with torn up paper towels all over the floor, often times I find myself compelled to clean them up, call it pride, I cannot, however, deal with the back of the toilet seat butt print.

Butt prints are the result of the person before you sitting down to do whatever it is they need to do and leaving a poop stain facilitated whale tail shaped print on the back end of the toilet seat. If you give it any thought whatsoever, and chances are you have not which why I am here for you daily, this is actually a result of said thespian not properly wiping off his airfield sized ass the last time he did a bombing run over Hanover.

Since said prior occupant did not find it necessary to clean up after himself, or perhaps he was just marking his terrirory for later or felt his butt print was something akin to cave drawings, you are now forced to clean it off or go somewhere else. What if the call of nature is so great that you can’t wait? Many restooms have those adorable toilet seat condoms that you can attempt to place precariously on the seat just prior to you dropping your own celestial booty upon it. This however does not scrub the thong shaped poop stain that you were forced to stare at from your memory, instead it haunts you, like comments from your mother-in-law.

I write this article to beg you, the reader, both of you, to please take this into account the next time you stand up from your cold white throne: take a moment to look back at your butt steps and clean off whatever you left there – most of you have already ruined the vision of what a real thong should look like displayed upon the glorious vision that is the female buttocks. Since that is ruined forever for me please work towards at least keeping things hygenic, afterall, aren’t we all trying to be a bit more clean these days, pandemics and all?