I’ve praised the joys of the online “massive” FPS Battlefield games in the past, and I’m not stopping now. Battlefield:Bad Company on the Xbox360 is great fun, and way more interesting than the last one. The graphics and overall mayhem are cranked up a notch, while the 1-player is improved greatly. But I wouldn’t know much about anything but the online aspect. I was so used to the Battlefield series neglecting the offline game, I just can’t get into it. The online is probably the best game of its genre I’ve ever played – and that is including Halo3 and Gears of War. But I wish everyone would stop trying to be my !@%!&*! friend!

Allow me to explain: I’m not a great player, especially considering that I’ve been playing BF in one version or another for over six years. My goal is not to rocket up the Bad Company leaderboard, although take a second to gaze upon it. Holy cripes – there are people on there who have logged over eight to nine times more hours than I have (search for “GwydionErie”). The game was released approximately 45 days ago, and I have averaged an amazing 45 minutes a day since then. That’s actually hard to believe, but I’ll assume this official site is correct. If so, the lifeless wonders on this list have averaged over six hours a day every single day! How can anyone with a job, family, or even a normal human bladder compete with that?

Ok, I may have a bladder, but I still play the game right. I communicate when shit is hitting the fan, I look around for people to heal, and I fix vehicles when asked. You’d think this would be a common way to play, but no. Apparently I’m some kind of super-teammate, like the Shane Battier of Battlefield. I hate to break it to you people, but I’m not doing this out of charity. I get points for being Mother “Machine Gun” Theresa.

Nonetheless, I get a lot of friend invites from a wide-range of people. The other night, this guy insisted that we both download the new content together, then join back as a team. This was right after he asked “If I smoked weed”. I just chuckled and responded lightheartedly with “No, I’m not a dopehead”. Yes, I am so removed from the lifestyle that I just referred to a harmless marijuana enthusiast as a “dopehead”. After a pause, his next response was “How old ARE you?”. Sad, really. He continued to explain to me how he lives in British Columbia and welds on oil rigs for a living. Stoner is officially the first person I have met to directly prosper from Dick Cheney’s New Plan for America (and he left America to do so!). Wearing welding leather all day is no fun for him, and I try to act interested. Even on a microphone that’s not so easy

Contrast that guy, who actually left in the middle of the game to light up, with our other amigo. He could not possibly be older than thirteen, and so eager to please I felt compelled to knife him for kicks. “I got a jeep! I got a jeep” he bleated regularly, prompting either (a) me to jump in the jeep or (b) Stoner to yell “Shut the fuck up about the jeep already!” By the way, the new Conquest Mode for Battlefield: Bad Company really changes the dynamics. Vehicles are crucial for zooming around from flag to flag, and the more people on-board the better. Tweener was fully committed to the new jeep-heavy tactics.

The best thing about these types of games is they are high-energy and very focused. Therefore, there’s not a lot of downtime, and you don’t have to have off-topic discussions with your teammates. Contrast this with a MMORPG, where it may take a few minutes to get to your bullshit quest. If you party members aren’t interesting, these can be some dark times.