Archive | A Walking Contradiction

Self-Discovery is a Bitch

Posted on 31 December 2014 by Valkyrie

self discoverySelf-discovery, it is a path we are all on at some point in our lives. I think more so for us forty-somethings. To which many would deem this process as a mid-life crisis.

I’m a deep thinker, always have been. My first deep thought was straight out of my mother’s womb, wondering why the heck I was suddenly thrust into bright lights and introduced to my first cold chill.

It seems nowadays I do my deepest thinking while in the throws of PMS’ing. Ah yes, that wonderful journey our eggs take every 28 days, slowly sauntering to its own methodic rhythm. All the while this process leaves us feeling like we are about to lose our minds and sanity. Estrogen seems to wash our brains down with acid of losing our self-composure. Men think it’s rough to be on the outside of this crazy-ride phenomenon, I think it’s worse to be inside of it, navigating a ship that has no real course except straight to all things hypersensitive and emotional.

The crazy thing is, is that you’d think we women would get used to this natural occurrence. “Ok, this happens once a month, next month I WILL remember how this plays out and will keep a solid head about it all”, I say to myself monthly while bracing myself. Only to find out that it never really goes like that at all. It’s like the chronic dieter who says to herself every Sunday night, “Tomorrow, I WILL start my diet and WILL succeed”. We all know how that turns out.

Leading to my point, the last week I have been in this phase. I am held captive on a lonely vessel in the seas of treacherous estrogen that has all but knocked my sense of strong direction completely off kilter.

In some fashion, I feel I should not even be writing this article because it still seems to be a taboo topic to display openly. But here goes – Uterus, Ovaries, Blood, Eggs, Period, Menstrual Cycle, Menses, Fertile,Tampons, Pads, Cramps, Emotions, Crying, Cravings, the list goes on really.

I have probably lost half of my audience with my last paragraph, but those who are still with me, clearly can handle life in all its splendid “misery”.

So, you ask where Self-Discovery comes in to play. Let me connect those dots. You see, I fear. I fear with one area in my life. It’s called fear of Abandonment. It was easier for me to type the descriptive words above about the female body, than it was to type “Abandonment”. Typing that out even caused me butterflies in my tummy and my heart to quicken and my palms to get a cold clammy sweat. Yeah, fun times.

Admittingly, and totally putting myself out there, I am in the throws of feeling both those things the last few days.
1) Ovulating/PMS
2) Fear of abandonment.
Not a good mixture. Not a fun ride. But, I am on this ride and yes, it feels like the worst rollercoaster a kid has ever been thrust onto due to peer pressure.

In the midst of this ride, I have come to realize that I need to do a bit more work in the area of my fear of abandonment issue. I will not describe in vast detail where this fear comes from, as it is not found in one place… it has served me doses, more than a few, throughout a lot of my earlier years. And yes, it saddens me and shakes me to my core.

I fear – there, I said it. I am hoping in my admitting that openly, it will be a release for me even more so. I read an article this morning that came at the right time. It was about using heartbreak to overcome heartbreak. I know the key here is to not fight this fear. It is to embrace it and let it go; which is great during most of the month. I am a disciplined person in my nature, but that ovulation thing occurs and sideswipes me every darn time.

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, as I don’t believe in them. But I am ending 2014 in the midst of estrogen running its course in every aspect of my body and hijacking my common sense. Amidst this loss of common sense, I am simply sharing that we all have fears. We all have weaknesses. We are all human. We all hurt in some aspect or another. Life does that, it’s just how it works.

Come 2015, I hope to release more and more of what I cling to that leaves me so fearful, and I hope to gain peace and understanding in this one area that trips me up every 28 days, to the day.

But hey, “Next month I will be more aware and will separate myself from this estrogen ride of madness!” Mhmmm, nice try.

Happy New Year, may you all do some of your own self-discovery and even go to those places that paralyze you in fear, to come out of it on the other side finding a place amidst harmony and peace.

Hugs.

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Sunday –

Posted on 27 October 2014 by Valkyrie

woman-reading-a-book-on-park-bench-autumn-fall-401x349Claire sat on the park bench all alone. Her soul felt as if it had been alone, in the dark, and unattended to for quite some time.

She sat there, with her journal opened, hoping something would flow out of her nimble unsure fingers onto that empty, glaring white page.

She used to be so good at expressing her thoughts on paper. But, lately nothing has been able to flow. An extreme disconnect.

How could it be that being surrounded by all of her friends, all of her coworkers, and all of her extended family, that she could feel so alone inside.

Her loneliness was palpable. She even experienced bouts of grief as if there was a sharp loss of sorts. Then she realized she was mourning a loss. It was a loss of self; a part of her that was not being taken care of, a part that was not being entertained.

She knew exactly what it was too. It was lack of intimacy. Something she hasn’t had in quite some time. A deep meaningful touch of a dear friend, a long lingering hug where it is the other person that does not want to let go, a coworker to look in her eyes and actually want the answer to that proverbial question we all automatically ask when passing, “Hi! How are you?”

She sat there feeling flawed. As if she was not made well to fit on this earth. She felt like a square peg trying so hard to fit herself into that round hole.

So many questions – Who am I? Do I matter? Does any of this matter? Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel so emotionally clumsy? Will anybody ever understand or even want to unwrap me to see who I am, in my entirety? My stories, my experiences, do they count for anything at all?

She looked up from her journal page and just stared. She felt as if she was in a coma state of staring lately. Looking so serene and peaceful, all the while her mind is waging a war it has not been able to win as of late.

Frozen in a state of deep thought, she realized she needed to snap out of it and try to put on that mask of, “I am ok”, and assimilate back into the hustle and bustle of getting things done; those menial life errands.

The Farmer’s Market was on her ‘To Do’ list, so she decided to get that done. She felt it pointless as she has even lost the zest for creating and cooking meals lately. But in order to survive, one must eat. So she went.

She perused the outdoor aisles of brightly colored displays of produce and artistic goods. In the distance she heard flute music playing. Musicians were always there to share their life’s passion and sell their latest CD. She always appreciated the energy coming from these outdoor markets. It made her feel alive. She could actually feel a small smile on her face as she witnessed an Italian family that ran a produce booth, bicker back and forth about who knows what, as it was all spoken in deep Italian.

She always had an immense admiration how people could squabble back and forth and stay through it all. She has never experienced that. She came from a family that didn’t communicate their feelings well, it was swept under the rug. She always struggled with that mindset. It is not her style to argue to get her point across, or yell to feel heard, but nonetheless she had a great gratitude towards it. She even smiled at the Italian family that was still entrenched in their diabolical disagreement – so expressive… so alive.

She had given up in the relationship department for over a year now. It was all too fleeting at this time in her life. She loved that she never feared being alone or that she never ‘needed’ to be with somebody just for the sake of being with another. Her quest for finding true intimacy was no longer a path she wanted to travel at this time. She was tired of playing the game of dating that never went anywhere. It was always the same outcome, just different faces.

Tomatoes were next on her list, her mental list anyway. As she strolled towards the tomato stand, she felt an energy shift; something light, something that almost whispered for her attention. She looked around – right to left, left to right… saw nothing.

She then felt a small tap on her right shoulder. She darted around quickly as it took her by surprise.

There stood a man she was very familiar with. She embarrassingly forgot his name due to being caught off guard. She usually just referred to him to her friends as the ‘apothecary guy’, as she bragged to all of them about his products. He was the one that owned the Apothecary booth. She loved that booth and always saved it for last, as she was a product junkie for anything that actually proved to be of good quality. She also enjoyed chatting with him when she’d purchase his things. She loved to ask questions, and he never seemed to mind… whether it was regarding his product line or even his life. He always answered with no delay, no walls.

“Hey! I have new things for you to try, I think you are going to love them! My best work yet, amazing products!” He declared enthusiastically.

“I’ll be sure to come by after I pick up the remaining things on my list.” Claire responded.

“Nope, my booth is unmanned and at GREAT risk for me to lose all my life’s work and products due to me walking with you!” He said very exaggeratedly.

“Then I recommend you go back to manning your booth.” She said lightheartedly, with a bit of fun loving sarcasm.

“Nope, staying with you until you finish perusing and purchasing all you are here for. What you fail to know about me is that I am in dire need for a new experience. So seeing and living your exact experience, here, today is precisely what I want to be doing at this very moment.” He said confidently and so matter of fact.

“You sure are laying it on thick.” Claire retorted back with a roll of the eyes and a smile. She never minded a bit of flirting and this interaction seemed harmless enough, even a bit fun.

“What you are failing to understand is that I want to see through the eyes of you, if only for a moment – nobody else, just you.” He said with a different tone, this time more tender.

“Well, you are in luck, I have always been up for new things and not afraid of adventure. Although, I must warn you… for you are now entering the mind of Claire – all I can say is hold on tight, because it’s going to be a crazy ride.” She said with humor, regarding the mind thread she’s been on lately.

He declared as he grabbed her hand at the same time, “GREAT! I’m not afraid… Let’s do this!”

Claire smiled. Paul! His name is Paul… she remembered to herself. Sunday seems to have just gotten a bit more interesting.

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Dating, Relationships, and that thing we call Self-Love

Posted on 17 October 2014 by Valkyrie

red dressDating and Relationships. Those two words can cause so much emotion in a split second – dread for some, elation for others.

I am married now, and have been happily so, for over 15 years. Thank God I finally got it right. Or, it was my husband that got it right for me. All I can say is that I have travelled that path that 99% of the population takes. For me, that path was through lots of trials and a ton of errors.

I have not dodged the concept and physical act of dating, relationships, love without earning my Purple Heart. Okay confession, I’ve earned many Purple Hearts in this venue and have been deployed, gone to battle, and waged many a war. Sadly, I cannot say that I have not gone unscathed. The battlefield of traversing a love minefield has left me with shrapnel imbedded in my being, wounds that have left deep scars, and PTSD that is just now starting to fade.

I’ve had 5 serious relationships and have casually dated 20+ men while in the trenches. Eight years of trying to figure it out, figure me out, and try to make sense of this crazy journey towards “love” that we are all on.

It’s an instinct in us all – to crave love, to be loved, and to give love. It is what makes the human experience that much richer, in my opinion. But sadly, that “rich” experience can turn to heartache, despair, loss, and confusion for many of us, more than once.

I’ve always been boy crazy from as early as I can remember. Even in Kindergarten – I had a crush on a boy named Caleb (my first born is named Caleb, not because of that innocent crush, but in his favor, he never tainted the name for me either). I also grew up an extreme Tom Boy, so I was surrounded by boys more than girls most of my early school years, playing all the ‘boy’ sports. Being around the male gender was my comfort zone, I guess one could say.

I am also not one to shy away from challenges, experiences, anything new really. I go into this mindset with excitement and eagerness. My motto in life is “I’ll always try something once” (there are a few boundaries in there, keep in mind). I like this side of me, but this mindset has tripped me up in the dating arena.

That could be the reason why I got into so many relationships that I never should have entertained past a first date. But, that girl in me that loved new challenges, forged on. See, I am not one of those girls that ever tried changing a man. Instead, I opted for something far more detrimental. I changed and altered myself to be right for that person I was with at that time. I guess you could say I was a chameleon of sorts. I sadly did not have a strong sense of who I was, so I became what I thought would work out well in the current situation I chose to commit to. And let me tell you, that mindset put in the wrong hands of another person, made me moldable like clay. I abandoned my inner gut, my sense on what right from wrong was, and the ability to have my own back. To gain love from another, I stopped loving myself… all so I could feel those small moments of another finding value in me for very short spurts of time, on their time. And I sadly waited, patiently, for them to fill my cup.

I dated men that never found me to be of much value. I dated men that had no problem telling me that. I dated men that were not faithful. I dated men that were emotionally and verbally abusive. I dated men that were emotionally unavailable. I dated men that had so much baggage that at times, all of it seemed to become my fault.

Trust me, I am not bashing men here, I love the male gender. It takes two to tango and I easily volunteered to go down that madness ride with them. There were great moments in those times as well. But the sad part is, I didn’t know that love is supposed to have an ease to it. I was never given those tools to articulate life’s experiences. I created my own tools, and as much as I had to use them, they did not serve me well.

The main ingredient missing was self-love. It sounds so cliché, but it is so true. If you don’t know who you are, know what you stand for, what you desire, what makes you cringe, what lights you up, and what tears you down, then life will give you those paths to get there. Life is funny that way, unless and until you are ready to learn the lesson that is being taught, the universe will see to it to keep sending you a repeat lesson, packaged in a different form. My lesson was not being learned, thus being shown to me with different faces, time and time again.

I remember how odd a feeling it was and how alien it felt to have a man not try to mold me like clay. But it was only that one time did I internally say before committing to date this man, “I am going to be ME, 100% across the board, no matter what”.

I could give my significant other all the kudos in the world for showing me the way, and in many ways he has. But the real truth is is that I finally decided to claim who I was 100% in bravery and in love. In doing that, the Universe no longer needed to keep giving me the same lesson plan over and over again.

I cannot say that claiming yourself 100% with love and respect will win you the right person to commit to the first or second time out of the gates. That road is different for all of us, we all have our life lessons to learn, according to what we need to learn. But I will guarantee this, keep that internal compass pointed to strong north, and in time, you will be shown that a significant other isn’t “needed” but it sure makes the ride more fun when two can ride it together.

I don’t look at my life’s experiences as a mistake, or anything to be shamed about. It is what it is. I did the best I could do with the knowledge and skillsets I had at that time.

Just a few weeks ago (while washing my face in the bathroom), I was able to gain full acceptance of that journey – the twists, the turns, and the detours. And in that moment I felt immense gratitude and appreciation for those exact experiences. Because in those times, I have found that the the kindness, the loyalty, the truth, the respect, the honor, the love is that much sweeter and richer and I will never take it for granted. I have also gained full love of self, and enjoy being me 100% of the time… good days and bad.

A dear friend of mine told me this not long ago, “There are two sides to every coin. To know lightness, you must know darkness – you can’t have one without the other”.

Well, I have known both. And I can joyfully say now, the lightness is so immense, that I need sunglasses.

 

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