Recently, my wife who has assumed the role of editor-in-chief of my books has been aggravated over the mystery of English grammar. This is a woman who graduated valedictorian of her high school, graduated in the top 3% of her engineering college class, and worked her way from grunt to president of an international corporation by the age of twenty-eight. Still, commas baffle her. Having an analytical, scientific mind, she wants everything to make sense…consistently. Math is her friend, grammar is more of a stand-offish acquaintance.

Math and I hate each other. Always have. We avoid each other as much as possible. Growing up, teachers and parents insisted I would need math no matter what I chose to do with my life. I proved them all wrong. Math is that disagreeable bastard I only speak to in proxy. “Honey, tell Math I hate him. Oh yeah, and find out how much money I made this month on book sales.” The idea that I needed to memorize all the tables that Math proudly admitted went on to infinity, was insane. But, like most early relationships, it was the Big Lie that broke us up. When after years of telling me you can’t subtract a larger number from a smaller one, Math admitted you could. What else was Math laying about? I could never trust him again and it was time to move on.

I never cared much for English either. The idea that I would have to memorize the spelling of every single word in the language, while not as crazy as the infinity-challenge of Math, was still too daunting a task to seriously consider. Sure, teachers promised you could use rules like i before e to take the guesswork out, but just like Math, it was all a con. The rules never worked.

Art never asked me to memorize anything. He had no rules so he couldn’t lie. Art made no demands and just wanted to please. I hung out with Art, cause Art was cool. Art was the guy who never went to class, who smoked pot and talked about multiple universes while laying on the grass in torn jeans watching the clouds roll by. He wasn’t the kind you wanted your parents to see you hanging out with. “Why don’t you hang out with Math and English more? They’re nice. You’ll never amount to anything if you keep associating with that Art.”

Thing was, I did have this crush on English. Once I got over the “books have cooties stage,” I fell in love. I wouldn’t admit it at school, but I secretly wrote stories. I knew I didn’t have a chance–not with English. Talk about aiming too high. She was unfathomable and fickle, but I tried anyway. The thing is, I learned she wasn’t as stuck-up, or straight-laced as everyone said. Turned out, when I got her alone, she was a lot more like Art than Math. It was only when she was out with people. People that expected her to be so buttoned-down and perfect all the time that she froze up. That’s when I realized the problem.

Perception.

I remember an old Barney Miller episode where an English aficionado was distressed by the degradation of the English language by advertising. He freaked at ads with words like “flavorosity!” and “scrumptiousnessity!’ He railed against the affront with all the fervor of a high priest faced with blasphemy. At the time, I thought it was funny.

In the early eighties, an English major I worked with was beside herself when she saw the word “glitz” in the newspaper. “It isn’t a word!” she screamed as if in pain, and ranted for days on the subject, which somehow bled through to the fall of society as we know it. Of course nowadays, glitz is a word. So is muggle, even though my Word spell check disagrees for now.

Living languages, grow. They change.

The word for the tops of multiple buildings used to be written, rooves, just like hooves. Sometime ago that changed to roofs. Why? Because that is how the majority of people preferred it and used it.

That’s the thing about language. It isn’t Math. It isn’t Science. There is no singular authority on the subject. Many people and organizations attempt to declare themselves such, or point to references they feel are absolute, but in reality, the English language has no rules. Latin does, because Latin is dead, but as long as English is alive, any practitioner of the language is an authority on it. Anyone can invent a word, or alter the grammar to suit themselves, and if it proves sound to the general users, it will become chiseled into the framework. Shakespeare is cited as having invented at least 1,700 words and phrases and he was only a lowly playwright not a college professor, Prime Minister of Language, or even the king. That’s what it means to be a living language.

And yet, there are always Grammar Nazis who insist that all writing in English must conform to a set of highly arcane rules that read like a different language in themselves.

“Common introductory phrases that should be followed by a comma include participial and infinitive phrases, absolute phrases, nonessential appositive phrases, and long prepositional phrases (over four words).”
Stereo installation instructions are easier to follow.

This is why it isn’t unusual to find self-accredited authorities on the subject who disagree with one another. Perhaps the most famous being whether or not to place a comma before the “and” in a list. (I frequently leave out the “and” altogether in protest.) But put any two editors in a room, propose a question, and you’ll likely get three answers.

This is what drives my editor/wife insane. She hangs out with Math. She likes an ordered world where the rules never change (let’s not talk about negative numbers, I still have flashbacks.) She feels certain that there must be an answer to all this confusion. If only she was smarter. If only she studied the sacred tomes of Englishosity more she could find the holy grail of comma usage and this would let her sleep at night.

My opinion is different.

Language, like Art, is communication. As long as I get my point across clearly, concisely, consistently, and with as little confusion as possible–it’s good. The rest is pretentious fascism–which, of course, is why I don’t edit my own books. Did I mention I hung out with Art in school?

(While researching the proper usage of the term Grammar Nazi–which apparently I did not coin–I found this. Be advised, while funny, it contains strong language.) ”

Being a “MATH GUY” – I find the comma before an “and” to be annoying. Probably due to the fact that was the way I was taught growing up. Sullivan makes a great point that ENGLISH is a living language so the rules are subject to change depending on the majority rule – once enough people do something wrong it becomes right just through use. – If enough people use Eubonics – it could become an official dialect of the English language…..or maybe it already is.

The V(D)J recombination reaction in jawed vertebrates is catalyzed by the RAG1 and RAG2 proteins, which are believed to have emerged approximately 500 million years ago from transposon-encoded proteins. What makes this extremely interesting is that no transposase sequence similar to RAG1 or RAG2 has been found (yet). What is evident is that the approximately 600-amino acid “core” region of RAG1 required for its catalytic activity is significantly similar to the transposase encoded by DNA transposons that belong to the Transib superfamily. This superfamily was discovered recently based on computational analysis of the fruit fly and African malaria mosquito genomes. Transib transposons also are present in the genomes of sea urchin, yellow fever mosquito, silkworm, dog hookworm, hydra, and soybean rust. By demonstrating that recombination signal sequences (RSSs) were derived from terminal inverted repeats of an ancient Transib transposon, I was able to prove critical adaptation exists and the common ancestral latencies related to an above average (longitudinal) evolutionary niche when compared against the average, modern-day Homo Sapien (ref. higher order Apes). This presents as central doctrine to the represented hypothesis of the majority remaining unburdened by substantial energy requirements of quartile II and III cerebral activity. Furthermore, the critical DDE catalytic triad of RAG1 is shared with the Transib transposase as part of conserved motifs. Additionally, several divergent proteins encoded by the sea urchin and lancelet genomes that are 25%−30% identical to the RAG1 N-terminal domain and the RAG1 core were compared with my human control group. My results provide the first direct evidence linking RAG1 and RSSs to a specific superfamily of DNA transposons and indicate that the V(D)J machinery evolved from transposons. As a result, I propose that only the RAG1 core was derived from the Transib transposase, whereas the N-terminal domain was assembled from separate proteins of unknown function that may still be active in sea urchin, lancelet, hydra, and starlet sea anemone. Logically, this also suggests that the RAG2 protein was not encoded by ancient Transib transposons but emerged in jawed vertebrates as a counterpart of RAG1 necessary for the V(D)J recombination reaction and therefore is indicative of a more superior genetic structure than in what was viewed from the lower-cerebral compensatory behaviors of the (theoretically) neocortex-enhanced bipedal apes.

In summation, ancient invertebrates were actually smarter than you. Have a splendid weekend. Go forth and multiply.

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess… Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”
…
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting
and dated women half his age and drank beer and whiskey
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah… didn’t miss the boat. ~Mark Twain

Scenario: James, the inner city African American Male, skipped out on his probation. He goes to court and gets sentenced what? 90 days like miss Lohan? AW HELL NAW. We know he’d get more than that. When he went to jail he’d get solitary right? AW HELL NAW. He’d get stuck in with the rest of the 2200 inmate jail where he’d be treated like a cheap cheerleader on prom night. Is that fair?

AW HELL NAW – it is a freaking tragedy. How is she expected to learn anything if she is not taught the lessons of life by other inmates? HOW?!?!

1. “I am sorry to hear that.” This does not mean what you think it means. You heard that the person who said that feels badly for you, or whomever it was directed at. What they really meant was “I am sorry you told me that.” If they really felt badly they would have said “I am sorry that happened to you.”
2. “I am just saying.” This is one of many dismissal terms I will bring up. This sentence is a vague attempt at someone dismissing the crappy thing that they just said to you as if everyone was thinking what they said but they alone had the courage to say it out loud. Example: “You look terrible in that outfit. I am just saying.”
3. “Don’t take this the wrong way…” This term puts the blame of the reaction incurred by the statement that follows directly on the shoulders of the person the statement is directed at. This is not a fair thing to do. Basically you can call someone anything after that term is used and if they get upset you have indicated that it is there fault for being upset. Example: “Don’t take this the wrong way, your wife is a bit of a whore.”
4. “I mean that as a compliment” is a great way of putting someone down indirectly and then informing them that they should take that put down as a positive thing. This allows you to say pretty much anything and leave the positive interpretation of what you said to anyone on any level, absolving you of all wrong doing. Example: “I bet you are a very buoyant person. I mean that as a compliment.”
5. “Don’t mind me saying…” Another great dismissal. I am about to say something completely offensive but you should just dismiss that fact and move on. Example: “Don’t mind me saying that your house looks like a shanty I saw once in a third world country.”
6. “Allow me to interject here.” This is a way for someone to ask themselves to make a comment. Nothing like inviting yourself to interrupt someone else so that you may make some ridiculous comment. Example: “Allow me to interject here, Bob you couldn’t be more incorrect if your head was shoved completely up your ass and you were winning an ass kicking contest.”
7. “This is a break down in communication.” This means that you screwed up. I love it when people say that communication broke down – normally they are trying to tell you that you f’d things up but really don’t want a conflict. Example: “If you had told me that then we would not have bombed Iraq to powder. This is a breakdown in communication.”
8. “Wow, this is interesting!” Normally made in reference to food that people hate. Your eggplant ice cream went over like the Hindenburg at a Dried Straw Festival, congrats.
9. “I have had such a bad day….” This is a trap. A leader statement. This person wants you to ask them about their day so that they may do you the favor of telling you about it. Catch here is you really don’t care whatsoever and thus should have really done number 10. This has become a plague on Facebook where it is called many thing such as VagueBooking, Facefishing and Facebegging.
10. “Ok.” and “That sucks.” This is a conversation ender. Someone hits you with a leader statement like “I have had the worst day ever!” you say back “ok.” DONE.

Funny and educational!! – I learned something today

With the acceptance of such communication venues one had to expect the next thing to come along: the guy that harasses Vent users – and this guy is the best at it. Not only does he harass people but he does it in such a creative way that he deserves an award of some kind. This makes all those 7-year olds on Halo 3 just that much more pathetic.

What occurs exactly here?

1. Hacker logs into a vent server
2. People notice he is there and get upset. They say stupid stuff.
3. He records stupid stuff and play in back to them in real time.
4. Then he does some amazing stuff with remixing their stupid recordings into music, all in real time.

We here at BB salute you sir.

“You look like a (expletive) b—- in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of (N-word), it will be your fault,” Gibson is heard telling Grigorieva. “You provoked it. You are provocatively dressed.” – msnbc.com

What is the best part to Mel Gibson going off like a Southern KKK Member? His “whore of a girlfriend” taped the entire diatribe. So not only has Mel lost all social etiquette but also his ability to notice when he is being taped – maybe it happens so often that his brain now tunes it out. Tragic. That said, besides the fact that her lips look like they have more collagen in them than most synthetic plastics she is sort of attractive in a barbie meets hell sort of way.

When asked about why she violated her probation what did she offer up as a humble reason? “I did do everything I was told to do and did the best I could to balance jobs and showing up,” Lohan told the judge. “It wasn’t vacation, it wasn’t some sort of a joke.” – msnbc.com

WRONG ANSWER. Her answer almost seems snarky – perhaps we should get her to write here on BB  - then maybe someone would read Blinkinblogs.

Well, congratulations Ms. Lohan, you got what you clearly worked so hard to get – hard time.

1. The acting is worse than what you will find in any middle school play. Bold statement? It would appear that M. Night Shyamalan was so into the idea of making a special effects masterpiece that he forgot to find actors who could act and force them to act.
2. The script is a complete debacle. M. Night Shyamalan is known for being a good writer, in this film he failed in dramatic detail. The storyline is tepid at best and the dialog is almost nonsensical at times – which made the almost dead pan delivery of the actors even more evident.
3. The choreography of the fight scenes was grade school level at best. From the preview I expected incredible fights – there were none. Not one. Best part? There are massive battle scenes where there is not a single body on the ground, at all, period. Think that through for a minute.
4. The main character is terrible and the actor that played him even worse. Enough with the silly poses folks, it won’t save the film.
5. Not one iota of the film made any sense whatsoever. Example? The fire people are attacking the water people, who can control water by the way, from boats made of metal on the ocean. You’d think the water people would realize that the boats are on the water that they have actual control over – but naw, that would make entirely too much sense.
6. The woman who plays the princess is supposed to be beautiful – really, they tell you she is – catch being here that she is creepy. Big brown eyes brows, white hair, weird cat shaped eyes that are a ridiculous blue/purple, what appears to be an under bite, and dark red lips. It was almost like they intentionally didn’t give her a chance to be pretty at all.
7. There is this scene in the film that is supposed to be emotional between the princess and one of the idiots in the film, also played by a terrible actor. The scene is so badly filmed and set up that you want to laugh, out loud, at the screen, and maybe even yell out obscenities.
8. The film is called The Last Airbender – that said the Last Airbender performs very little cool air anything – opting instead to perform lots of water stuff. Yes, he is the Avatar and thus can control all the elements, after he is trained to do so, but being The Last Airbender one goes into the film assuming that just maybe you might see some cool air stuff. Nope, just a few tiny dust storms etc.
9. Every single inspirational speech in the film is terrible. There is really no other term that describes it – lackluster would be a huge step up. An inspiring speech should give you chills, it should make you want to grab a spear and jam it through some bad guy or climb a mountain or write that new comic strip – in this film the only thing you are inspired to do is roll your eyes and wonder where all your popcorn went.
10. The film would have been much better if it was merely a soundtrack driven slide show of all the scenery in the film narrated by the true Air Bender, well.. at least the true Bender, from Futurama whose full name is Bender Bending Rodríguez. That would be a session worth seeing.

1. I hate people that can’t answer the question asked to them. Example: Husband asks wife “Are you hungry?” Wife answers “What are you going to eat?” Husband repeats question “Are you hungry?” Wife replies “I ate earlier.” Husband says “So you aren’t hungry?” Wife says, in a huff, “I didn’t say that.” Husband asks “Well then are you hungry.” Wife answers “Depends on where you go.” No it doesn’t depend on where he is going, and this conversation could go on for weeks.
2. People that ask you a question, supply possible choices to choose from, and one of those choices they have already deemed to not be a valid response. Basically they have cleverly set a trap for you for no reason whatsoever. Coworker asks “Do you want Italian, Mexican or Burgers for lunch?” You answer “Burgers for sure! Yummy yum yum!” (if you really said yummy yum yum you may want to choke to death on that burger later) Coworker says “Yeah see I don’t want burgers.” WHY THEN IS IT ON THE LIST?!?!
3. People who do something terrible to you and then blame you for it. The examples here are endless so lets go with the obvious one – traffic. Some jackass cuts you off, almost killing you and your family, on the highway because he is busy doing the new phone craze – sexting – and when you finally pull up next to him he gives you some gesture that implies that had you not been on the freeway to begin with he would not have had to cut you off. Shame on you for existing!
4. Family who think that because you, through no fault of your own, come from the same gene pool owe them something – forever. This happens to basically everyone, and if it isn’t happening to you then you are the jack ass that is doing it to someone you are related to. These people also tend to get upset when you point out the obvious low hanging fruit that they are a leach. Example? Where to begin? Cousin Bob constantly borrows money from you with the promise that you will get it back next pay check as if you are a payday lender (who doesn’t charge interest or anything else) – thing is you don’t see or hear from him again until he needs more money. This is your fault – you are an enabler.
5. People who spend more time and effort at work trying to figure out how not to do there job than they would if they just did it. I worked with a guy once that managed to get himself on every corporate committee that one could be on. He did this because the time spent being in a committee meeting excused you from doing work during that time period. The best part was this guy started to complain to everyone else about all the committee meetings he had to attend daily because it was cutting into his work time.
6. People that are not happy unless they are unhappy about something. These idiots literally believe that if everything is going great something must be wrong and therefore they feel the need to break something in their life. These are the sort of people that can be in a great relationship with someone, for some reason think this is a bad thing, and then explain to their amazing significant other that they don’t argue enough. Really? You think your relationship has issues because you don’t fight? Boohoo.
7. People who don’t take notes or listen during a meeting and then later ask you what happened in that meeting or what it is they are supposed to be doing again. You, being the nice person that you are, took notes and paid attention and feel some stupid obligation to the company you work for enough to tell this idiot everything he should have paid attention to. Word of advice – don’t. Let him fail. He might be replaced by an attractive software developer who falls madly in love with you. It happens!
8. The attract attention trap. This is a long standing argument that is silly beyond words – and it does work for both genders, however women are typically more guilty of the issue. People who wear clothing or jewelry or something else to call attention to him/herself and then getting bent with you because you noticed them and are now giving them attention. REALLY? You wore a halter top with no bra, mini skirt with no undies, fish net thigh high stockings, red lipstick that stops traffic and 6 inch stilettos because you find all that to be comfortable? Screw you.
9. Fat ugly people who accuse others of being stereotypical in some fashion. Example: In college I had a communication class where the topic of female sexuality came up. I raised my hand and said “I think women have the ability to control those around them through the sexuality they possess in a far better way than men do.” A Large rather robust, shaved head toting, spiked jewelry wearing, plaid coated female interloper in the back of the class jumped up and called me a Pig. Realize I had just complimented women for being far more attractive than men – and she took slight to that. Hmm I wonder why.
10. People who constantly complain about how fat they are or are getting through mouthfuls of McDonald’s food. This person has a meal that could feed an entire inner city and has the nuts to complain about how fat they are. These are typically the same people that order a large diet Soda with the family sized fries, 3 large double cheeseburger, and four apple pies as if that will save them.
11. People that insult you but follow it up with something like “I’m just saying.” and a smile as if that dismisses the fact that they just called your wife a whore. “Hey! You know your wife?!?! Yeah total Whore. I’m just saying!” Gee, since you are just saying I guess I can not shove my entire fist down your throat.

I have more – many more – just out of time.

I really enjoyed the moment that my sphincter closed tight to a point of discomfort when that giant 18 wheeled semi had to lock his air breaks in a squeal that would make a banshee jealous just behind my car in hope of not running me directly over. Oh sure there was a chance that the huge trailer he was pulling could swing around behind him and behead me – leaving my family, wife, children and all, with no father or provider  - but at least you got to go wherever you were going at record low speeds right pal? Thank you for the Irritable Bowel Syndrome that you no doubt left me with the moment I saw nothing but giant metal grill in my rear view mirror! I will cherish the inability to hold onto my waste forever – sure going to movies will be difficult – but at least you made your point to the rest of us!

I really loved the moment we took the same offramp together at a whopping 28 miles per hour ensuring that those behind us expecting to exit the 1/4 mile long offramp at normal speeds had miniature heart attacks when they too had to slam on their breaks. I would like to thank the engineers of the fine offramp for having the foresight of adding in a nice shoulder for people to escape to when someone like Mr. Mazda RX 8 decides that it is his self appointed mission in life to show the rest of us how a good, honest, caring person should drive on a Monday Morning during rush hour. Thank you sir, thank you.