A couple weeks ago I found myself out of town with a couple hours to kill and a baby on board. After spending as much time as possible at the local electronics store (Fry’s, the Toys R’ Us for Us grownups), I had to think back to my wonder years. What did I used to do when I either (a) wanted to girl watch and it wasn’t sunny enough for the beach, or (b) needed to kill time? I went to the mall of course.

Until that day, I had not been to an enclosed mall to browse in probably over fifteen years (if not longer). Historically, Saturday afternoon meant a crowded, bustling metropolis of tweens, teens, and young adults. The North County Fair, now called something less fun, was a two-story mecca of glistening consumerism. The food court was a shrine of multicultural, albeit ruthlessly Americanized, cuisines. Hot Dogs on a Stick ruled with an iron…stick.

The Saturday afternoon in which I found myself at this Northern California mall was a dreary affair. It reminded me of a cheesy horror movie where they couldn’t afford to film during mall hours or hire extras. Many of the stores were closed, while other spots were taken by less (ahem) prestigious retailers. How does a dollar store afford a mall space? A 1000-sq-ft space can cost over $25k a month, meaning they must sell at least 50k items just to pay rent. Call me an elitist, but dollar stores depress me and the mall is supposed to be the exact opposite of depressing. Apparently the death of the enclosed shopping mall has not been exaggerated. Sure, some businessmen are still trying, but prospects are dim.

This is not a fond, watery-eyed eulogy to the enclosed shopping mall. Even as a horny youngster, they held limited appeal. I never had any money, and the one girlfriend I met at the North County Fair was a gold-digging tramp. But I still revisit that dream-like shopping state when I wander auto shows. It is pleasant. The reasons for the death of the mall is widely known: the rampant growth, low-prices, and “mini-mall” experiences of retailers like Walmart. The increasing popularity of a little thing called ecommerce was somewhat of a factor. I guess. What I find the most interesting is that malls were once a huge piece of our consumer-driven society. Now it is just a shadow of its former self, even before the economy went belly-up.

Side note: While I was there, I bought a Cheese Meltdown pretzel from Wetzel’s Pretzels. By the way, the founder’s name is actually Wetzel. Funny. Anywhoo, it was hardly a pretzel – mostly a twisted version of the biscuits at Red Lobster. It was delicious. What really struck me is the way the twisted biscuit was sold to me. It was wrapped delicately then bagged with such pride. My new son was not presented to me with such care by the doctor. The lady was just glowing when she handed it to me. My eyes almost welled up, I swear. Who says artisan pride in craftsmanship is just reserved for wineries and fine purses?