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]]> http://www.blinkinblogs.com/entertainment/dracula-ants/feed/ 0 http://www.blinkinblogs.com/entertainment/mass-effect-2/ http://www.blinkinblogs.com/entertainment/mass-effect-2/#comments Sun, 29 Mar 2009 00:01:18 +0000 Enigma http://blinkinblogs.com/?p=510 Ooohhhh yea!

OK so when I am sick I like to sit on the couch break out the 360 control and usually play a game that involves a lot of death. So Wanted ‘Weapons of Fate’ seemed like the perfect under the weather pick me up I needed. I quickly dragged my ass out to the local GameStop (yes I know I am a sell out to evil) to pick-up a copy. After dinner I cracked open the hermetically sealed game container (Man I really wish they would not use so much crap to seal these things). After my unwrapping session, I quickly went to work learning how to kill things by curving bullets. To be fair this part of the game is really cool, and I really hope assuming there is no strange IP thing we see this effect in more FPS games. Once the game started up I have to say that I loved the detailed textures in the levels, and I thought the first few levels were well done and helped to train you in the different features of the game. Well done guys… Also I have to say the auto save check points are put at very good intervals which tells me the game spent a fair amount of time in QA.

Wow Enigma that sounds like a great game… I’m going to go out and buy it…. Well wait just a moment. These are my impression of the 1^st hour of the game. Now after the 1^st hour of game play some things started to tick me off. The game is on rails (yes I am referring to linear progress, lack of freedom, not automated motion) normally I am a little forgiving of FPS/story games that have this however the levels are very pretty and give the illusion you could explore when you just run into crappy walls, road blocks you could step over. This also really limits your options in tactics forcing you to curve bullets for an entire hour of game play… ok the feature I once liked is now really annoying. Boss battles are a joke, the game has no difficulty progression, you fight the same character models for the entire game, and overall the game levels started to get repetitive; 1.) Start level 2.) Find cover 3.) Curve bullets to kill guys 4.) Move to new cover. 5.) Kill boss without breaking a sweat.

Before I wrap up the review with my recommendations I thought it fair to tell you that while playing this game I was very sick and on a lot of pain killers, and other drugs that kept me pretty doped up. That being said I was doped up and still beat the game (yes start to finish) in 2 hours. That is a cost per hour of entertainment of approximately $30 as the game cost me $60 + tax. Now this is HORRIBLE. I expect from a video game to get at the very least 15 hours of solid single player game play from an FPS with multiplayer action (oh yea this game has no multiplayer), 20-25 from a platform title, 30-50 hours from a RPG. Anything less than that and the game play must be exceptional form me to feel as if I got value from it. This game was a total waste of money for me as I am not one that is likely to replay the game with the new “character models” that I unlocked when the game play is exactly the same.

My recommendation; let it collect dust on the shelf or gamefly it.

I can only assume I relate to this scene at this very moment because at this very moment I can actually see how horrible of a death TB is. All though I am sure I do not have TB I rather just have a horrible case of pneumonia. My symptoms were so sever last night all I could think about was how Doc Holliday spent his last moments lying in a bed; I am sure this is a high fever lack of sleep induced rant but enjoy the clip anyway.

When a man (human) reaches a point in his (or her) life when every moment is a struggle and all decisions they have available seem as if all other people are at fault then usually it is time to reflect upon yourself….. After all if it is everyone else it is most likely you.

However let us just pretend for a moment that there is a case where it actually is everyone else. Then what are your choices? Well I have come to the conclusion that you have limited options. This person could remove themselves from the problem… end it so to speak. This of course is the easy way out – however if all of a sudden all of the people in this society who are actually right just checked out all at once…. Well it would lead to a very rapid decline in humanity -although I love this possible result for many occasions example: remove all our troops from any country that says they do not want us there. Now let me make myself perfectly clear this message for you to ponder is not an AMERICA IS GREAT Message…. It is a “the whole world is fucked” sort of message.

OK so what is the second option? You could press forward – trying to change the situation or the world one wrong person at a time. This option has some amazing possibilities however it is terribly ineffective, unless of course you could become king…. Ohhh the changes I would make if I were king… but that is yet another story.

The third option is my personal favorite. This person, whom is right, can retreat into a self induced sociopathic psychosis. From then on you can either choose to ignore all of society’s problems and watch the world around you (however big or small it is) crumble and fall apart OR you could help it burn – taking as many of your “problems” down with you.

Now ponder all I have said…. Now think about the state of the world, the quality of people getting educated in the US…. The sad state of our “economic leaders”. Now I ask you to decide…. Unless you are one of the herd of cattle or sheep . What path do you decide?

I would tell you what decision I made…. But what would the fun be in that?

OK enough ranting, onto the pyramid. The Programmer Pyramid is a method of classification that I use to slot people into that work in a programming department. I find these classifications to be a very effective way to group my staff. The Programmer Pyramid is designed to have the most talented at the top and the people that need to get the hell out of this field at the bottom.

1.  The Guru – These are the few and the rare, savants that can do everything from designing a software system to building the user interface. When I say rare I mean rare – if you think you have one working for you…. well you don’t.
2. The Architect – These are the people that are really good at designing systems. They can see how all the elements fit together from a very high level but also know the devil is in the details. Architects can fall into two sub categories: the ones that can do and the ones that just draw pictures. The ones who just draw pictures but do not get their hands dirty deserve to be dragged outside and drawn and quartered. If you think you have a good architect on your staff email me. I would be happy to donate 30 mins of my time to confirm your statement. These people are worth their weight in gold, but sad to say more often than not the people you hire as architects are nothing more than over paid Visio charlatans.
3. The Technical Lead – This is your field general. This person should be able to build any block of code you ask him/her to, in addition they need to be able to manage a project schedule and train/mentor the people below them. This person should also know everything about the system or subsystem they are working on. Sadly the Peter Principle takes the cake here. More times than not I see technical leads that would make better fry cooks at Burger King.
4. The Engineer – A Real Problem solver – this person wants to know not just what they are building, but why they are building it, who will use it, what business need this component is solving and how this will plug into the bigger picture. These are diamonds in the rough of the programmer world. With a good team of engineers and a good architect you can build anything. Oh wait! You think you have one of them on your staff, well maybe, it is possible, but more likely you should read on. Do not confuse these people with architects (and many of them think they are architects) – they are not. These people like to know the details of the tasks/problems they solve but if you throw too much information at them, they well go Chernobyl on you.
5. The Developer – This is the worker bee of your crew. A critical component to any successful team. They want to know little more then their next task, and how it fits in to the rest of the world (sometimes that means knowing the business problem). This information is so they can better test their code and design their solution. Yes, I said design a solution, I know, I know – I did not mention it before in the pyramid, I had assumed that since you made it this far in my rant you were smart enough to realize that as you moved up the chain an engineer should be able to do everything a developer does etc.. etc… Therefore this is the first tier of “programmers” that start to actually think through a problem. Yes if you have one of these on staff you are most likely correct, but I am willing to bet for every 1 of these you found / hired you have met, interviewed, hired, wanted to kill 20 “programmers”.
6. The Programmer- A drone. They do what they are told, little thinking about a solution, too quick to put code to paper. They are more interested in quantity of code then quality of code. Test???? what???? you expect them to test something?? My lord – you are lucky they can dress themselves in the morning and you expect them to test?
7. The Hacker- This is not to be confused with someone who breaks into systems etc… These are people that will sit at a computer and break the software to learn how it works. They do this over and over again. This is a great way to learn how to program….. if you are 10….. God help you if you have one of these on staff. They like to deploy code from their desktop to production, and watch it burn while praying it does not. They also like to make you think a rain storm can effect your websites ability to process data. (Lets not go into the science of the insanity of this please…. ) It makes me sleep better at night thinking these people are mildly retarded if they are still “coding” this way pass the age of 12.
8. The Hack- Do you have one of these? wow you are screwed…. or you have a bad Indian outsourcing company…. These programmers, if you can call them that, will just type random crap into a program without research, without thinking, just to “fix” a problem that may or may not be there. If you have one of these at your company I suggest strapping this device to the person. This way while your business fails to do anything and continues to hemorrhage money your staff can at least laugh at the loser in the corner.
9. The Gas Station Developer – This douchebag jumped on the band-wagon during the .COM boom. They bought a book for $5.95 at a garage sale from some “hack” programmer that was titled learn to program in 24 hours. Let us put this in perspective. Most people who have gone to school and been taking programming courses for a total of 6-8 years… know shit about programming real software so how the fuck are you going to learn anything other than how to put my company out of business with this book. Go back to pumping my gas you asshole.

Oh and I have a pretty picture for those of you who can not read.

Let us review my observations about people and things in the restroom while in my quest for the perfect poop:

1. Toilet Seat Cover(s): Did you know that these are just a marketing gimmick? Yes! You have a greater chance of being infected by walking through a crowded room than you do sitting on a cold toilet seat (assuming of course there is no feces spread around the rim). If you do not believe me read this.
2. The privacy look: OK needless to say this does not apply to everyone but I am sure you have oberved (or exhibited) this behavior yourself. What is the privacy look? It is when someone needs to drop the kids off at the pool but has the need to look around the public restroom first to make sure they are the only ones in the room. It’s kind of like bladder shy I guess; I think it must originate from people being made fun of for farting in grade school (you know some people never get over these things)
3. Hand washing: MY LORD!!!!! WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!!. Even if no one is looking or in the bathroom BY GOD I DO NOT want to shake your hand after it was giving you a colonoscopy. How can people not think to wash their hands after they were just wiping their own ass I do not know. And for those of you who care YES there is a PROPER way to wash your hands. Learn more about it here.

Now onto the Perfect Poop Analysis

1. The groaner: Yes you have all heard someone experiencing this kind of poop. He is the one sitting next to you groaning and moaning as if to express sexual satisfaction from the mere act of pooping, but no, in-fact, he/she is just exhibiting a poor diet as they are not eating enough (or way way to much) fiber. This is definitely not a perfect poop.
2. The runner and gunner: You all know this poop variety well it is well observed at your local Taco Hell. Position yourself so you have a clear view (but not too close) to the bathroom door and watch as people are running for their lives in an effort to make it to their porcelain god before explosion happens.
3. The dribbler:  This starts out slow and then you get an unsatisfactory plop that sounds a bit like a rabbit turd hitting a pond. This then continues for anywhere between 5 mins and 7 days until you have exhausted your will to live. If you listen closely it creates an odd drum beat with the water. Plop plop plop-plop-plop.
4. The never ending story: This is the mythical poop that will not end. When you started the poop you weighed 10lbs heavier and were 2 years younger then when it ended. This is usually the result of a nice dinner at a Brazilian Barbecue

Now before I describe to you my findings and definition for the perfect poop let us review some proper poop etiquette.

1. The courtesy flush: Look no one wants to smell the roses that come out of your tush. If you are done with your first round and need a rest before continuing flush the damn toilet.
2. Quiet Time: This is not social hour – I do not want you to talk to me about your child, day or meeting.
3. No Phone Zone: Do NOT talk on your phone while you are in the restroom. I do not want to hear you in the bathroom as I am stuck in this room with you. What does that mean? The person on the other end does not want to hear you in here either… and yes oh yes we know the echo in a public restroom is very unique.

Ok now what you have all been waiting for: through my informal surveys I have deduced the following facts make up the perfect poop. If yours in not perfect I think you need to read this.

1. There should be no pain
2. The odor should not smell like a deer was killed and left to bleed out 2 weeks ago in the stall next to you.
3. The poo should not take more then 7.5 mins to complete including clean-up time.
4. Clean-up should not take more then 2 trips to neither regions of your sphincter
5. You should be able to leave the restroom and feel satisfied.

I encourage you to add to the comments your observations about the pooping culture and I will update this post according. Let us make the word a better place by having all the important information regarding this biological necessity under one post!

this gives me new meaning to the phrase pick your poison. Next time you are in Switzerland check out this pace.