Archive | August, 2008

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Your Future Doctor, Sponsored by Cialis

Posted on 27 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

So it is official – I can’t get off this subject. Maybe I’ve just had my head in the sand up to this point, but the Pharmaceutical Machine disturbs me to the core. Sure, the third most profitable industry in the world has to promote their “products” somehow. Nonetheless, we are not talking about Coke sponsoring the Olympics or Dick Vitale shilling for Hooters (how surreal is that?). These are decisions being made by professionals who have your life in their hands. They should not be influenced by anything but objective clinical studies – that is the bottom line. However, the August 11 issue of BusinessWeek knows this is not true.

Now it is bad enough that doctors are getting propaganda and eating dinner with pharma salespeople. What if your doctor was practically raised by Pfizer from the first day he or she stepped into medical school? OK I exaggerate a little. Here’s what happens in a nutshell: Big Pharma hires marketing middlemen to produce educational courses for physicians. Many of these courses are actually required for obtaining and/or retaining their licenses!

There are hundreds of these companies working with Big Pharma to design ad campaigns and hire doctors to influence classrooms – it is a $1.2billion industry. There are of course transparency issues, which is common in what is basically an unregulated niche of a huge industrial complex. Big Pharma and the middlemen say they they support a revised system, and Pfizer specifically is staking steps. That is to their credit.

It is interesting that the companies involved seemed shocked that this could be perceived as bias. Wow, that’s either flat-out lying or insane obliviousness. One example: a med student noticed that a multiple-choice question, one selection for treating schizophrenia was “prescribe paliperidone”. This chemical is best known by its brand name Invega, which is owned by Johnson and Johnson. Guess who was sponsoring the course?

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Orangina – Balls of Steel, Brains of Mush

Posted on 26 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

I like it when marketing departments take chances – I really do. If they bomb, then at least they went down swinging. Holy cripes, this ad goes down in FLAMES. Warning – this could haunt you.

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All Things Considered.

Posted on 26 August 2008 by Thraxxus

NPR BABYOn my way to the office every morning I enjoy a cup of coffee and National Public Radio(NPR). I have always enjoyed NPR as they seem to put the least amount of spin on their news stories – which I appreciate. Furthermore NPR is normally good at avoiding stupid news stories, like what Paris Hilton had for dinner, choosing to focus more on what I like think is real news. The catch is lately real news is all about the political race for the President of the United States between Barrack Obama and John McCain. Oddly enough, I have been paying some attention to the musings of the radio on this topic as in most instances I have to if I still want to listen to my beloved NPR.

On to my problem. The Media in the United States of America, be it crooked or honest, still can only report on what information is out there. What I mean by this is that manufacturing news is bad for business thus they need to wait for a story to break. Yes a news station can break a story with their own flair added to, with their chosen light if you will, but at the root of it all there still must be a story. This is where the problem is for me on the Political Conventions. There is no story.

Let me fill you in. The Democratic Convention happened last night in Denver. Barrack Obama, the Democratic Candidate, wasn’t even there. He was in my town, Kansas City, at some friend’s house. He did appear at the Convention via satellite for a bit, but the only part that could be directly linked to him that was at the convention was his wife, who gave her first speech, which apparently included loads of statements about how great Hillary Clinto is – still trying to mend that tear in the Democratic Party I see. Beyond that we here Obama saying the same things over and over again – “We need Change. McCain and I are different, I swear! I am just like all of you.” Problem with the last bit is this – a person cannot be like everyone, unless of course he is referring to how he is a human, in which case, bravo sir, you are correct.

How about McCain? The big news on McCain these days, which to me is hysterical, is that he owns so many houses that he lost count. Seriously. A guy who is trying to connect with the people, and blue collar workers are a big deal when it comes to elections, has so much money that he owns so many houses that he lost count. How can a candidate possibly connect with anyone who has a hard time with their only mortgage when he can’t even remember how many houses he owns outright? Much akin to his opponent McCain wants us to know that he is different, well, different from El Presidente Bush that is. Seems his camp figured out that most people look at him as Bush Light. Or Bush 3 The sequal to a dead series.

There are other sparks of news – like both candidates have selected their running partners. Oh wait! No they haven’t! Only Barrack Obama has in the form of Senator Joe Biden. It seems that McCain’s party is having a difficult time figuring out who he should choose. At one point a few stations were talking about how he doesn’t even agree with his handlers, er, staff. He threw some names out there and some of them grimaced, others coughed, one even guffawed!

I guess my only reason for writing this article is this: we really don’t hear about the important things anymore – the ISSUES. We hear about where these guys go, who the eat with, who they meet with, we hear loads of slander of which neither party appears to be above, although the Republicans seem to be better at it. We hear about running mates, and potentials and hopefuls. We hear about conflicts abroad – the ones that have a media impact anyway. We hear about the Olympics and how George Bush was there, and his lovely speech where he made up even more words. We hear about Obama being some blue collar kid who grew up borderline poor and how McCain is a war hero, again and again and again. What kills me though is this: we never hear about what anyone actually stands for. We gets hints here and there, but not the precise information.

I wish someone would release a listing on their beliefs, maybe a website somewhere has that information. You read about both candidates, their beliefs side by side in column format. You could go zipping down the listing to the issues that are important to you and actually see what they believe in. Crazy thoughts!

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Hardest Working Dude in Hollywood

Posted on 22 August 2008 by Thraxxus

I am a fan of very few things, and never fawn over anyone. Over the years however I have gained respect for one guy who appears to never sleep – Seth Green. I was just talking to GlazednConfused the other day about him and we noticed a few things.

  1. The dude is funny.
  2. The dude doesn’t seem to age, at all. In fact in this picture he looks like a 12 year old wearing a stage beard.
  3. He apparently wasn’t the biggest hit in the world on the big screen so he took his comical wit off stage to work behind the scenes and now does voice overs for like 12 godrillion cartoon characters.
  4. He co-created and writes for Robot Chicken, which is one of the funniest and most demented shows ever made. Period
  5. He is the voice for Chris on The Family Guy. If you hate The Family Guy please close your browser, go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself.
  6. He made this video.
  7. Seth has been in 99 movies, videos, and god knows what else according to IMDB.
  8. Seth has a ton more money that either GlazednConfused or Me. Bastard.
  9. He helped make this episode of Robot Chicken, which to me is one of the funniest, if not the funniest, episodes ever. “So I threw the whole Senate at him.”
  10. The most important reason that Seth Green is cool – The women he has dated that you never knew about.

My hat is off to buddy. Forever the 12 year old, comical nit wit who has apparently done the hip romp with Meg Ryan.

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Natural Born President

Posted on 21 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

A friend called me up out of the blue yesterday and asked me “Isn’t Oliver Stone the worst director in Hollywood?” – and I had to think for a second. My friend is not a reader of this site, because I believe him to be some variation of a blog snob. So he wasn’t disputing Stone’s exclusion from my Hollywood Legion of Doom. The actual reason I didn’t include him is because of his history – the man has made some incredible movies. Salvador, Platoon, Wall Street, Born on the Fourth of July – the Eighties were very good for Olly. But my friend raised a valid question, and the short answer is yes. Oliver Stone is currently the worst director working in Hollywood, based on his talent, cast, budget, and results. I will try to pinpoint the exact time he lost his gawddamned mind.

I saw Natural Born Killers in the theater, and I’d have to say I was impressed. It was violent, pulled no punches, with a great cast and some kind of vague message about the media.  It is undoubtedly creative, as Stone apparently was on drugs the entire time. OK, this is the movie’s Wikipedia page talking, but if you’ve seen NBK it would explain a lot. Drastic color palette changes, random film stocks, animation sequences – all it was missing was Rodney Dangerfield as a white-trash child-molesting father. Oh, right. So as soon as it came out on video, I picked up the Director’s Cut edition. Two VHS tapes! Unrated! Mucho extras! Then I sat down and watched it again, and had a different view of it. I’ve heard some movie pundits say that they don’t think that director’s cuts should exist, because you the viewer are not seeing it in its “original form”.  However, I believe that Director’s Cut should be the complete vision of the director, sans all the forces that can change a movie during the process – the MPAA, the studio bigwigs, etc. If that’s true, then holy shit Oliver Stone was a walking ‘shroom PSA. You talk about merciless violence, and this is coming from someone who enjoys a regular diet of Miike. But it wasn’t the heads on pikes or prolonged hooker-strangling that got to me. Matter-of-fact, I’m pretty sure that latter scene contained autobiographical content (Sizemore, Stone and/or Tarantino). It was the overall tone of the movie – one of screaming “YOU AND YOUR WORLD SUCKS ASS!” right in your face over and over for two hours. Stone has never been known for subtlety, but NBK’s laundry list of metaphors reads like it was dreamed up by a junior college creative writer “who drinks too much booze, eats too few fresh vegetables.” What truly pushed me over the edge were the deleted scenes – words do not do them justice. Woody viciously stabs Ashley Judd with a pencil while “cross-examining” her at his trial. This is after she describes how he brutally murdered her brother. Let’s not forget Denis Leary’s schtick or the Barbarian Brothers getting their legs chainsawed off – yet still respecting the killers. Sadistic and pointless, I’m convinced Oliver Stone has no soul, and/or cares not a whit about his audience. Although, I give him credit for a nice soundtrack – from L7’s “Shitlist” to Cowboy Junkies’ better-than-the-original “Sweet Jane”, it’s nice.

After Natural Born Killers, Stone’s disdain for you and I continued unheeded. Nixon was three hours on yet another subject that could be described as interesting yet not really entertaining. U-Turn was supposed to be Stone’s non-serious movie by a dead-serious director – his After Hours. Instead it was over-stylized, with a pointless incest plot twist that was right up his alley of sadism. Any Given Sunday is the first movie that comes to mind when asked to name a bad sports movie. Why hard sell a sport that’s already exciting? Friday Night Lights was the football movie sweet spot – shaky camera, turn up the impact noises, and keep the dick dangling to a minimal. Next up was Alexander, which was yet another 3 hours of what the hell? Or at least that was the theatrical version – Stone has released several versions on DVD, the recent and longest being the 214 minute yawn-inducing “Why Bother?” cut. $155million pissed, $34million in domestic business. You’d think that was the nail in the coffin, but nay. I have yet to see World Trade Center, so I cannot comment. It’s my understanding that Stone went out of his way to make a “non-Stone” movie, and it got a 70% on the Tomatometer. That should probably tell him something.

Perhaps you’ve seen the trailer for his latest, one of his classic pseudo-documentaries – this one on our current president Dubya. Stone practically invented the genre, because he can extrapolate or just make shit up and pass it off as “fiction”. He knows that many of the people that watch it will accept it as fact, and he loves pulling the strings. I’m not saying Mr. President doesn’t deserve the Stone treatment – he certainly does. Also, Look at that cast – Richard Dreyfuss as Dick Cheney is an especially nice touch. However, let’s say you worked for Enron, and you were one of the many that got laid off and lost all their life savings. Would you spend 2+ hours of your time watching a documentary of Kenneth Lay’s life, no matter how entertaining or unsympathetic? No, you’d probably want to take a shotgun to his tires as he drove down the freeway. After that, unless he shows up at your door with a big check, you don’t give a shit. My point is, the entire country is Enron – and when Dubya is finally gone, there’s not a lot of people that will pay to spend 2+ hours with him again. Morbid curiosity can only take a movie so far when you’ve lost your house or your son was killed in Iraq. Does the top 1% even go to the movies?

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Why didnt we come up with these?

Posted on 19 August 2008 by Five0ClockCharlie

While reading through my hundreds of RSS feeds I ran across these two rather profound greeting cards. I thought I would share them with you.

Who can be as sarcastic as we are,  but have artistic talent to boot and then turn it into greeting cards? The folks over at Someecards.com pure brilliance I tell you.  There are hundreds of these cards to send to your friends family members, and enemies.
DOH! another awesome idea that I cant come up with.

Until I have my brilliant Idea I will continue to take over the world one blog post at a time. O and I will be sending someecards.

Thanks is all.

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New Site Page

Posted on 19 August 2008 by Thraxxus

I have added a new site page, one I have been thinking about for quite some time now: The Daily Spam. The premise is simple: Each day I receive between 25 to 50 spam emails in my spam folder in gmail (Google is still the devil). I will read these messages and post the one that I feel is the best. I am considering adding commentary with my usual snarky flavoring salt, we’ll see. Either way enjoy!

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Legos and Interfaces

Posted on 18 August 2008 by Thraxxus

Two topics that have nothing to do with one another, but will provide you with quite a bit of entertainment today. The first is a complete recreation of the Olympics with Legos! The second is much cooler than the first, in my opinion, but will take some time to watch. If you want your mind blown watch the entire video of Fez on there. That game is the kind of thing I could easily watch someone else play and be riveted. Just me, a soda, and someone good at thinking outside the box. The thought that struck me while watching Fez was this: How amazing is the level designer?

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Angry Alien Productions

Posted on 16 August 2008 by Thraxxus

Sometimes I like to share the amazing work of others. if you are not familiar with Angry Alien Productions then, well, you should be. Angry Alien was started by this lady with way too much time on her hands whereby she used that extra time to re-enact famous movies through the power of Flash technonolgy and cartoon bunnies. She had done zillions of these and they are all amazing, and incredibly accurate. Enjoy.

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A Thousand Years of Automotive Engineering Has Come to This

Posted on 14 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

I’m sure you’ve heard the gloom and doom by now. Ford has its worst quarter ever. GM is hemorrhaging cash with one foot in the grave. Chrysler is this close from outsourcing all its manufacturing and becoming merely a shiny brand they attach to any car they can get their greasy mitts on. There’s one side of me, fairly strong, that is saddened and wants them all to survive. One of the oldest and proudest American industries down the crapper in a mere 10-15 years. Remember the movie Gung-ho? The Japanese make cars like this, while fat American Midwesterners like Norm from “Cheers” make cars like that. Ha HA – A time of innocence.

Ok so that was a bad example. Little did we know it wasn’t so much HOW they built the cars. Sure, the quality was there and the reputation continues, even if it is more of a myth now. More important is WHAT they built – actual cars. Sure, Honda wasn’t making insane margins from Civics – maybe they were a little jealous of Ford and the obscene prices we paid for their glorified work trucks. But they resisted because they saw the big picture. Think about the movie Who Killed the Electric Car, one of my all-time favorite documentaries (a member of my “Big Three”, with The Corporation and Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room). GM basically killed their electric car because it wasn’t making money, after investing a whopping $1billion in it (according to their own blog). Wow – one whole billion. They lose that now in just a couple weeks. That’s what happens when you have old-school stiffs, stock market hyenas, and penny-pinching accountants run your company – no vision, just stacks of cash going into executives’ pockets. “Are we still in the Fortune 10? Check. Are we still making 50% from every Escalade we sell? Check. Golf time”. A few more billion and some true foresight could have lead to millions of little Insights already on the road, each one a gleaming symbol of American ingenuity – a modern version of the original Ford Model T.

Instead, we’ve come to this – the Chevrolet Aveo. This is currently the only subcompact car from an  “American” manufacturer. Almost a thousand years of American automotive engineering has been reduced to an anemic, ugly jellybean that still only gets 28mpg. Oh, and it’s made in Korea. As for the compacts, don’t get me started on the Dodge Caliber or Chevy Cobalt – they regularly get dressed down by industry experts. The Ford Focus is relatively competitive, but considering it’s long history, Ford should be more than just keeping pace by now. The bottom-line is this: the only reason anyone buys an American car is two reasons: (1) They have a history with the brand, (which is becoming less and less common) and (2) they are comparably cheap. The second reason is a vicious circle – the less American manufacturers charge for their cars, the less they make, and the less they can invest in better future products. The result is the Aveo.

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Bible Fun!

Posted on 13 August 2008 by Thraxxus

I am a huge fan of holy books such as the Bible, Koran and Playboy. Cracked.com did this little bit on some lovely passages in the Bible that tell us of how things used to be. Take a read – the religious experience is breath taking. I would love to sit down with a Bishop and have him explain to me how this was taken entirely out of context. Pay close attention to the “boobies” piece – the vocabulary used there describes a party at the Playboy Mansion perfectly.

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A Quick Note on New Domestic Oil Drilling

Posted on 12 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

This author recently popularized the phrase “Disaster Capitalism” – Wow, does any one phrase better sum up the current climate in the U.S.? Anyway, she talks in a recent interview about how we may increase all this drilling on American soil, yet what guarantees WE get the oil? This is an important point – these oil companies are global. They can sell to the highest bidder, no matter where they get the oil. Sure, we can charge them up the wazoo to drill, but it will have little to no effect on oil prices. Wherever the profits are higher, which is probably China at this point, they will send the oil.

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Battlefield: Bringing Together Stoners, Pre-teens, and Me Since 2002

Posted on 11 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

I’ve praised the joys of the online “massive” FPS Battlefield games in the past, and I’m not stopping now. Battlefield:Bad Company on the Xbox360 is great fun, and way more interesting than the last one. The graphics and overall mayhem are cranked up a notch, while the 1-player is improved greatly. But I wouldn’t know much about anything but the online aspect. I was so used to the Battlefield series neglecting the offline game, I just can’t get into it. The online is probably the best game of its genre I’ve ever played – and that is including Halo3 and Gears of War. But I wish everyone would stop trying to be my !@%!&*! friend!

Allow me to explain: I’m not a great player, especially considering that I’ve been playing BF in one version or another for over six years. My goal is not to rocket up the Bad Company leaderboard, although take a second to gaze upon it. Holy cripes – there are people on there who have logged over eight to nine times more hours than I have (search for “GwydionErie”). The game was released approximately 45 days ago, and I have averaged an amazing 45 minutes a day since then. That’s actually hard to believe, but I’ll assume this official site is correct. If so, the lifeless wonders on this list have averaged over six hours a day every single day! How can anyone with a job, family, or even a normal human bladder compete with that?

Ok, I may have a bladder, but I still play the game right. I communicate when shit is hitting the fan, I look around for people to heal, and I fix vehicles when asked. You’d think this would be a common way to play, but no. Apparently I’m some kind of super-teammate, like the Shane Battier of Battlefield. I hate to break it to you people, but I’m not doing this out of charity. I get points for being Mother “Machine Gun” Theresa.

Nonetheless, I get a lot of friend invites from a wide-range of people. The other night, this guy insisted that we both download the new content together, then join back as a team. This was right after he asked “If I smoked weed”. I just chuckled and responded lightheartedly with “No, I’m not a dopehead”. Yes, I am so removed from the lifestyle that I just referred to a harmless marijuana enthusiast as a “dopehead”. After a pause, his next response was “How old ARE you?”. Sad, really. He continued to explain to me how he lives in British Columbia and welds on oil rigs for a living. Stoner is officially the first person I have met to directly prosper from Dick Cheney’s New Plan for America (and he left America to do so!). Wearing welding leather all day is no fun for him, and I try to act interested. Even on a microphone that’s not so easy

Contrast that guy, who actually left in the middle of the game to light up, with our other amigo. He could not possibly be older than thirteen, and so eager to please I felt compelled to knife him for kicks. “I got a jeep! I got a jeep” he bleated regularly, prompting either (a) me to jump in the jeep or (b) Stoner to yell “Shut the fuck up about the jeep already!” By the way, the new Conquest Mode for Battlefield: Bad Company really changes the dynamics. Vehicles are crucial for zooming around from flag to flag, and the more people on-board the better. Tweener was fully committed to the new jeep-heavy tactics.

The best thing about these types of games is they are high-energy and very focused. Therefore, there’s not a lot of downtime, and you don’t have to have off-topic discussions with your teammates. Contrast this with a MMORPG, where it may take a few minutes to get to your bullshit quest. If you party members aren’t interesting, these can be some dark times.

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Popping Contest – Latest and Greatest

Posted on 09 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

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Unmasked?

Posted on 08 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

I avoid radio as much as possible, especially in the morning. However, my mp3 player died halfway to work – and God forbid I sit there and listen to my own tortured thoughts. I’m pretty sure that’s what causes people to stop by the gun store on the way to work (wait period be damned, eh Thrax?). This one morning show had a comedian on that was actually funny. Not Sam Kinison funny, but not everyone can be Bo Jackson. Anywhoo, he said that McCain looked a lot like Darth Vader unmasked in RotJ. You be the judge:

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Sam Kinison in all of Us.

Posted on 08 August 2008 by Thraxxus

If you don’t remember Sam Kinison, look here, and here. I bring up Sam because he had this saying that always cracked me up. “I don’t condone the beating of women, I understand it though. I know what turns Mr. Hand into Mr. Fist.” Today I found myself thinking about these people that keep losing it at the work place, coming in with some form of high powered gun, and blowing the crap out of their co-workers.

So I will now say what most humans who have a job have thought at one time or another but know that it is wrong to say in public. “I don’t condone the shooting, slaying, and slaughter of my co-workers, but I do understand the desire to do so.” We generally say its wrong to go on shooting sprees – but take a minute. Stand up out of your chair and look around you at your co-workers and ask yourself WHAT IF, then quickly remind yourself that you are NOT CRAZY, and have no intention of ever doing so, because if you ever really got to that point, do yourself and all your potential victims a favor – go get a different job.

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The Programmer Pyramid

Posted on 07 August 2008 by Enigma

As some of you may have figured out many of us who write this blog are in one form of IT or another. This post will be a series of posts hoping to shed some light on the mystical world of programming / programmers. I have to admit much of this post is driven by frustration caused by the people I work with, but I am trying to tell myself these posts will enlighten the masses and turn more people into better programmers where as I would be happy with many programmers just hanging up their keyboards and never comming back.

OK enough ranting, onto the pyramid. The Programmer Pyramid is a method of classification that I use to slot people into that work in a programming department. I find these classifications to be a very effective way to group my staff. The Programmer Pyramid is designed to have the most talented at the top and the people that need to get the hell out of this field at the bottom.

  1.  The Guru – These are the few and the rare, savants that can do everything from designing a software system to building the user interface. When I say rare I mean rare – if you think you have one working for you…. well you don’t.
  2. The Architect – These are the people that are really good at designing systems. They can see how all the elements fit together from a very high level but also know the devil is in the details. Architects can fall into two sub categories: the ones that can do and the ones that just draw pictures. The ones who just draw pictures but do not get their hands dirty deserve to be dragged outside and drawn and quartered. If you think you have a good architect on your staff email me. I would be happy to donate 30 mins of my time to confirm your statement. These people are worth their weight in gold, but sad to say more often than not the people you hire as architects are nothing more than over paid Visio charlatans.
  3. The Technical Lead – This is your field general. This person should be able to build any block of code you ask him/her to, in addition they need to be able to manage a project schedule and train/mentor the people below them. This person should also know everything about the system or subsystem they are working on. Sadly the Peter Principle takes the cake here. More times than not I see technical leads that would make better fry cooks at Burger King.
  4. The Engineer – A Real Problem solver – this person wants to know not just what they are building, but why they are building it, who will use it, what business need this component is solving and how this will plug into the bigger picture. These are diamonds in the rough of the programmer world. With a good team of engineers and a good architect you can build anything. Oh wait! You think you have one of them on your staff, well maybe, it is possible, but more likely you should read on. Do not confuse these people with architects (and many of them think they are architects) – they are not. These people like to know the details of the tasks/problems they solve but if you throw too much information at them, they well go Chernobyl on you.
  5. The Developer – This is the worker bee of your crew. A critical component to any successful team. They want to know little more then their next task, and how it fits in to the rest of the world (sometimes that means knowing the business problem). This information is so they can better test their code and design their solution. Yes, I said design a solution, I know, I know – I did not mention it before in the pyramid, I had assumed that since you made it this far in my rant you were smart enough to realize that as you moved up the chain an engineer should be able to do everything a developer does etc.. etc… Therefore this is the first tier of “programmers” that start to actually think through a problem. Yes if you have one of these on staff you are most likely correct, but I am willing to bet for every 1 of these you found / hired you have met, interviewed, hired, wanted to kill 20 “programmers”.
  6. The Programmer– A drone. They do what they are told, little thinking about a solution, too quick to put code to paper. They are more interested in quantity of code then quality of code. Test???? what???? you expect them to test something?? My lord – you are lucky they can dress themselves in the morning and you expect them to test?
  7. The Hacker– This is not to be confused with someone who breaks into systems etc… These are people that will sit at a computer and break the software to learn how it works. They do this over and over again. This is a great way to learn how to program….. if you are 10….. God help you if you have one of these on staff. They like to deploy code from their desktop to production, and watch it burn while praying it does not. They also like to make you think a rain storm can effect your websites ability to process data. (Lets not go into the science of the insanity of this please…. ) It makes me sleep better at night thinking these people are mildly retarded if they are still “coding” this way pass the age of 12.
  8. The Hack– Do you have one of these? wow you are screwed…. or you have a bad Indian outsourcing company…. These programmers, if you can call them that, will just type random crap into a program without research, without thinking, just to “fix” a problem that may or may not be there. If you have one of these at your company I suggest strapping this device to the person. This way while your business fails to do anything and continues to hemorrhage money your staff can at least laugh at the loser in the corner.
  9. The Gas Station Developer – This douchebag jumped on the band-wagon during the .COM boom. They bought a book for $5.95 at a garage sale from some “hack” programmer that was titled learn to program in 24 hours. Let us put this in perspective. Most people who have gone to school and been taking programming courses for a total of 6-8 years… know shit about programming real software so how the fuck are you going to learn anything other than how to put my company out of business with this book. Go back to pumping my gas you asshole.

Oh and I have a pretty picture for those of you who can not read.

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A Movie Worth Watching

Posted on 07 August 2008 by Thraxxus

The Onion.

 

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The Eternal Question Answered.

Posted on 06 August 2008 by Thraxxus

ChcikenMy favorite answer is Einstein.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need
to engage in operation and dialog with all the chickens on the other
side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right
from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must
first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’
problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road…
ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth?’
That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And i f you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road It’s as plain and as simple
as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% ………
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

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Hamdog Wants to be Your Friend

Posted on 05 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

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The quest for the perfect poop

Posted on 04 August 2008 by Enigma

OK following Thraxxus’ post I now feel the need to share. This is more of an observation of human behavior and the delicate balance that is a human diet then it is about the actual poop. The human species is odd in general especially when you look at American sub culture. In my never ending quest for knowledge I will now take you down my quest for the perfect poop.

Let us review my observations about people and things in the restroom while in my quest for the perfect poop:

  1. Toilet Seat Cover(s): Did you know that these are just a marketing gimmick? Yes! You have a greater chance of being infected by walking through a crowded room than you do sitting on a cold toilet seat (assuming of course there is no feces spread around the rim). If you do not believe me read this.
  2. The privacy look: OK needless to say this does not apply to everyone but I am sure you have oberved (or exhibited) this behavior yourself. What is the privacy look? It is when someone needs to drop the kids off at the pool but has the need to look around the public restroom first to make sure they are the only ones in the room. It’s kind of like bladder shy I guess; I think it must originate from people being made fun of for farting in grade school (you know some people never get over these things)
  3. Hand washing: MY LORD!!!!! WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!!. Even if no one is looking or in the bathroom BY GOD I DO NOT want to shake your hand after it was giving you a colonoscopy. How can people not think to wash their hands after they were just wiping their own ass I do not know. And for those of you who care YES there is a PROPER way to wash your hands. Learn more about it here.

Now onto the Perfect Poop Analysis

  1. The groaner: Yes you have all heard someone experiencing this kind of poop. He is the one sitting next to you groaning and moaning as if to express sexual satisfaction from the mere act of pooping, but no, in-fact, he/she is just exhibiting a poor diet as they are not eating enough (or way way to much) fiber. This is definitely not a perfect poop.
  2. The runner and gunner: You all know this poop variety well it is well observed at your local Taco Hell. Position yourself so you have a clear view (but not too close) to the bathroom door and watch as people are running for their lives in an effort to make it to their porcelain god before explosion happens.
  3. The dribbler:  This starts out slow and then you get an unsatisfactory plop that sounds a bit like a rabbit turd hitting a pond. This then continues for anywhere between 5 mins and 7 days until you have exhausted your will to live. If you listen closely it creates an odd drum beat with the water. Plop plop plop-plop-plop.
  4. The never ending story: This is the mythical poop that will not end. When you started the poop you weighed 10lbs heavier and were 2 years younger then when it ended. This is usually the result of a nice dinner at a Brazilian Barbecue

Now before I describe to you my findings and definition for the perfect poop let us review some proper poop etiquette.

  1. The courtesy flush: Look no one wants to smell the roses that come out of your tush. If you are done with your first round and need a rest before continuing flush the damn toilet.
  2. Quiet Time: This is not social hour – I do not want you to talk to me about your child, day or meeting.
  3. No Phone Zone: Do NOT talk on your phone while you are in the restroom. I do not want to hear you in the bathroom as I am stuck in this room with you. What does that mean? The person on the other end does not want to hear you in here either… and yes oh yes we know the echo in a public restroom is very unique.

Ok now what you have all been waiting for: through my informal surveys I have deduced the following facts make up the perfect poop. If yours in not perfect I think you need to read this.

  1. There should be no pain
  2. The odor should not smell like a deer was killed and left to bleed out 2 weeks ago in the stall next to you.
  3. The poo should not take more then 7.5 mins to complete including clean-up time.
  4. Clean-up should not take more then 2 trips to neither regions of your sphincter
  5. You should be able to leave the restroom and feel satisfied.

I encourage you to add to the comments your observations about the pooping culture and I will update this post according. Let us make the word a better place by having all the important information regarding this biological necessity under one post!

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The need to share.

Posted on 04 August 2008 by Thraxxus

Why is it that co-workers want to share their personal lives with you? What makes anyone think that other people might be even remotely interested in their daily drama? Do I walk around with a sign around my neck or some tattoo on my forehead that says “please tell me about your uncle ned!” or perhaps “I care. Really. Tell me about your problems!” Seriously, the only reason I even said hello to you this morning is due to the fact that you were in the way of me getting to that most precious of elixirs – Coffee. Your giant, double wide, pastel colored spandex covered ass was standing between me and the only thing that may save your life today – which actually forced me to engage you in simple talk. Hello, please move your giant Mac Truck esque ass out of my way was not an invitation to tell me about your weekend. So why do you?

For the record I am not interested in any of the following information from a co-worker:
1) Your kid did anything at all, ever, period. I can only conclude that you love your child, unless you really are the lifeless harpy I believe you to be, and that you love everything that little Stevie does. I get it, I just don’t care. See you may believe your child to be special in a non bicycle helmet way, but that doesn’t mean that I am interested. Hell, I love my kid too, and adore every single little thing he does, that doesn’t mean I plan to run from person to person to tell them how he sings Disney songs in the car at only 19 months old.

2) I have no interest in your ailments unless you are informing me that you are incredibly contagious – and if you are why in the hell are you standing next to me to begin with? Get the hell away from me you disease spreading freak! In fact, you shouldn’t even be at the office at all. Three words: CALL IN SICK. Nobody will miss you. If you are trying to talk to me about that puss-filled boil on your neather regions, trust me when I say I don’t care. TMI – its in the game.

3) Office drama does not interest me. I hate drama, everything about it. I don’t like that there are people in this world, and my workplace, who are so bored that they need to construct drama where none existed previously. “Can you believe how Janet just looked at me?” If you really want an answer to that question go ahead and ask it , but I doubt you want me to tell you that Janet looked at you like that because Janet is a lesbian and you showed up to work today dressed like a 9th avenue and Main street whore. She wants to do things to you that are illegal in 42 states ( I checked). Of course, if I say that, you will bring me up on sexual harrassment charges for ANSWERING YOUR STUPID QUESTION TO BEGIN WITH.

4) No I do not care about your ideas. You work in your department and I work in mine. There are established ways in which we are supposed to communicate with each other and do our SEPARATE jobs. Follow these guidelines. Do not try to make me better at my job. Screw you. Maybe if you did your own job absolutely perfectly you would be a shining example of how one should act on a job site, in which case the rest of us will both hate you and maybe learn something from you. Until that point stop throwing stones at me or I will kill you with your own 400 lbs, candy filled purse.

5) Do not tell me about your sexual exploit filled weekend stud, I don’t care. I am married and thus the world of SEX no longer exists for me – having been replaced by nights filled with television, chores, and listening to my wife talk to me about her tragedy filled day. I realize that your fragile ego needs some stroking and thus you have embellished what really happened at that Bob’s Bate and Booze on saturday (that being you getting kicked squarely in the jumblies by a woman who could easily have been your mother’s mother) into how two hot, large breasted, asian twin sister flight attendants were playing how big is my shaft with your giant man missile. I know it didn’t happen, you know it didn’t happen, and Stacy, the 52 year old christian virgin, sure as hell knows it didn’t happen, so just STFU.

If I want to hear about your personal life I will ask you about it. “Hey Robert, how is the family?” or “Hey Bob, did you get that boil removed from your scrotum yet?” from across the office. until you hear me ask you how you are doing please, for both our sakes, just assume that I don’t care. You will save both of us alot of time and you a lot of mental and emotional abuse that I will definately sling your way with the accuracy of a Katana swinging Samurai.

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Blog Envy?

Posted on 01 August 2008 by GlazednConfused

AVClub has some great content, but even better is the commentary. I swear half of the people are aspiring comedians, and when they are on they are hilarious.

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Neuromancer – First Peek

Posted on 01 August 2008 by Thraxxus

NeuromancerJust the poster folks. Remember – the fact that this movie is being made at all is a tragedy, up the fact that Hayden is the lead and the director shouldn’t be working at all and you have a potential debacle. That said I may buy the poster.

 

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The Gasoline Joke

Posted on 01 August 2008 by Thraxxus

EXXON ATTACKI was having a discussion recently with my father who lives in SoCal and he was explaining to me how nice it was that the price of gasoline had fallen a little bit, something like 20 cents per gallon. I started laughing fairly hard and he made a comment that was funny to me: “Yeah, big deal right?” The thing is his sarcastic statement is very telling of a larger problem/potential scheme whose potential existance and the lack of people picking up on it is rather alarming to me.

Not long ago the national gasoline price average hovered around 2 bucks/gallon. Back then people were constantly complaining about the price and I was regailed with stories of the good ol’ days when gas was under a buck and money fell out of the sky so you could just pluck it out of the air to get yourself a few gallons of gas. Not sure why people didn’t pluck more money out of the sky back then, but hey, maybe they thought there was an endless supply. The price of gasoline now hovers around 4 bucks a gallon – twice the national average of about 2 years ago. TWICE.

Upon pondering this I had an epiphany – there was a pattern that could be plucked here that most of us either haven’t figured out yet or just flat out ignored all together. The price of gas would spike sharply over a few weeks – let us pretend a climb of 30-40 cents per gallon. We would all get steaming mad at dirt, complain, people would swear off cars forever and other nonsense, but then the price of gas would drop between 10-20 cents per gallon and then we’d sing a different tune. “See that the price of gasoline came down!??! Isn’t that EFFIN GREAT?!?!” Thing is 40 cents minus 20 cents still means the price of gasoline is 20 cents more than you paid just 90 days prior.

Sadly we don’t care or seem to notice. All we saw was that the price of gasoline just went down, not the net amount of change over a period of time. Not until people bring it up on CNN – relating the issue to loads of other problems we have encounter every day, do we even realize just how screwed we have really been – prison style folks. Think Shawshank. Bottom line is someone figured out the way to play the game with us and we are all just letting it happen.

Consider the following: On Thursday, July 31st, 2008 Exxon Announced that they broke their own all time profit record! In a time where we are having a massive resource problem, primarily in the gasoline industry, how does a company report record profits? PROFITS, not revenue, PROFITS!!! The link there shows the profit increase over time.

Perot is YodaDo you remember Ross Perot, back in the 90s, running against Clinton and Bush? He made a statement back then that he was destroyed for, “Perot is crazy!” etc,  that went something like “Now let me tell you something. The price of Gasoline will hit 5 dollars per gallon soon.” Who is crazy now?

Now consider this: If you drop a frog into a boiling pot of water he will jump out. If you place him gently into cool water, and then slowly heat it to a boiling point you can have frog soup. So I ask you the reader: How does the broth feel against your skin? Ribbit.

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