Archive | June, 2008

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Danny Boy

Posted on 30 June 2008 by Thraxxus

This is the best rendition of Danny Boy I have ever heard. I almost cried.

 

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You’ve had a bad day at work?

Posted on 30 June 2008 by Thraxxus

Take a moment to listen to this story.

 

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Pick your poison!

Posted on 30 June 2008 by Enigma

How would you feel if you pulled up a chair and ordered up five fingers of scotch at this bar.

this gives me new meaning to the phrase pick your poison. Next time you are in Switzerland check out this pace.

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Chad Vader is a Creative Genius

Posted on 27 June 2008 by Thraxxus

Love this guy.

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Hit Me Like a Ton of Pork

Posted on 25 June 2008 by GlazednConfused

Let’s face it – most statistics force-fed the masses by the media nowadays fall into two categories:

A. Well, duh. (ex. Bush approval rating)

B. Who the hell cares? (i.e. the “MLB Stats Overkill” – did you know that Rich Ballplayer is the fourteenth player since 1975 to hit 25+ homers, have 20+ stolen bases, have an OBP of .400+, green eyes, and a sagging right testicle? Well, you ignorant f*ck, now you know)

However, sometimes they sneak up on you or are delivered unconventionally. A perfect example is a recent Newsweek article I read about the Chipotle burrito food chain. I had a burrito there once (killer coupon), and it was good. Not $6 good, but a step above Taco Bell. If you hadn’t heard of Chipotle, I’d understand; I had totally forgotten about them until this article. Apparently they are really into free-range pork, allegedly the humane way of raising pigs. I think it involves a lot of happy Porky’s frolicing on grassy hills. Imagine a curly-tailed Sound of Music with a lot more grunting.

So Chipotle is buying 10,000 pounds of pork a week from these farms. That is 7% of their total pork needs. This works out to over 140,000 pounds a week total.

Whoah.

OK, so maybe I’m a little late to the “Fast Food Nation/Omnivore’s Dilemma” outrage party, but holy sh*t that is a lot of pig. Chipotle isn’t even in the top 10 or so of American fast food chains (I refuse to whittle down the category to “luxury fast foods” or some other lame granularity). Can you imagine how much chicken Taco Bell goes through? or McDonald’s beef? I could look it up, but frankly I’m scared shitless even thinking about it.

Most importantly, where’s our “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” process that solves all of our energy problems with pig feces? Not one sci-fi movie and related concept I enjoyed as a kid has come to fruition. How depressing.

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A Guy’s Perspective

Posted on 25 June 2008 by Thraxxus

I am a guy, male, man, as women put it – a moron. I do my daily grind in an an environment where men and women work close to each other. We interact. We discuss. We plan. We mingle. We share stories of mirth and woe. We stand around the proverbial water cooler and talk about television, politics, and any other time killing topic someone can muster. We are a team.

Here is the thing: Men are visually stimulated. It is a proven fact(who proved this I don’t know, let us just agree that I read it somewhere profound) that men are 90% visually stimulated. This means that a deaf guy can pitch a tent with 90% frequency an accuracy(are tents accurate) of a man with all his faculties. A deaf guy can look at a woman and get aroused without having to smell her or hear her. Just she being across the room in visual range can make a deaf guy want to grab her and drag her off to his cave Neanderthal style. He won’t, but he sure as hell wants to. What happened to those days anyway?

I bring this up because in general, women are killing men. This isn’t happening directly, and in some cases not on purpose, but it is happening I assure you. I am not blaming women here, just pointing it out. If we consider my previous stated FACT that men are 90% visual and we combine that with the FACT that women are just better looking than men on every level we have a genuine problem. Women, just being themselves, can mentally cripple a man.

Here is how that happens:

JessicaSay we have Jessica, a moderately attractive female banker. She is a professional. She is not playing the field. She is amazing at her job. She is intelligent and confident. She does not need her looks to ensure her success. She is at the top of her game. Now let us wrap Jessica in the female version of a suit – simple skirt, matching suit jacket, blouse, and 2 inch heals. She is in no way dressed to hunt. She is not going clubbing. She is not trying to attract men at all. She is merely dressed for her professional job.

She is driving the guys she works with CRAZY. That professional suit makes her ten times more attractive than if she showed up dressed for a night out clubbing. The fact that she is professional, intelligent, capable, amazing at her job, and confident made her stunning to begin with; if we add in the fact that she also looks good dressed in professional garb we have created a monster, a man killing machine, again through no fault of her own.

You really can’t hold men accountable for this. Trust me when I say we don’t like that our brain has an instinctual, lust based, kill switch. We don’t like that the kill switch is located inside our genitals. We don’t like that the little guy can throw the kill switch at will and start driving the ship with his own evil little agenda in mind. We aren’t thrilled about the fact that at some point we are going to look at the Jessicas of the world in the same way a wolf looks at a baby deer. We don’t enjoy the fact that we often say stupid crap like “Jesus Jessica, you look hotter than that stripper I paid last night for a lap dance! Want to make 50 bucks?” It is not us, the brain part of us, doing this; It is HIM, the evil bastard living between our legs with the override powers to ruin our lives.

Keep this in mind the next time some guy you work with goes from professional to total douchebag in the blink of an eye. It is not an excuse, we shouldn’t do it, but it happens, and I just wanted to prepare you and inform you as to the why it happens. Besides, if you think about it, the fact that Men are really this stupid, and can be controlled by the right top and room temperature just proves that soon Women will be officially in charge and not just running the show via their amazing puppetiering powers.

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Smells Like Teen Spirit

Posted on 24 June 2008 by Thraxxus

This one is for GlazednConfused.

 

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George Carlin – R.I.P.

Posted on 23 June 2008 by Thraxxus

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Stupid People, The Zoo, and George Carlin

Posted on 23 June 2008 by Thraxxus

On Sunday, June 22nd, 2008 I had the opportunity to go to the zoo with my wife and son, he is 17 months old. Prior to leaving, and most of the time we were there, we discussed how taking our 17 month old son to the zoo was most likely a waste of time, considering his age. Most 17 month olds have a difficult time ascertaining the difference between a Rhinocerus and the rocks he is laying next to no matter how many times the parent says “Look Billy! Look! A Rhino!” Oddly enough our son came totally alive when he noticed two animals: The walking tree, AKA a Giraffe, and the walking building, AKA the Elephant.

I encountered a phenomenon at the zoo that both infuriated me and kicked off the stand up comedian side of my personality: Stupid People. Not only did the zoo seem to have an endless amount of caged animals, all of which looked at you as if they would be forever in your debt if you just put a slug between their eyes. but also a veritable cornucopia of stupid people. The only way I can convey just how stupid these people were is to site examples, but before I do that let me elaborate on something.

An Ignorant person is one who is neither educated nor informed about a topic. Intelligent ignorance comes from someone who not only recognizes that they do not know about a topic but is also willing to live up to the fact instead of playing it off as if they were a walking copy of the Encyclopedia Britannica. Stupid people on the other hand are people that actually cannot learn, no matter how many times Darwinism tries to teach them their daily lessons. Please note the difference as most of the stories you hear about on television, the radio, or perhaps read about in one of the fantastic grocery store checkout line magazines are almost always about stupid people.

So the zoo famous quotes of the day:

The same straw haired, single toothed, shallow gene pool reject of a mother said both of these too her two children who looked as if they could think of at least two things they’d rather be doing that sitting there with their mom, and one included each other.

  1. “Baboons and Monkeys are the same thing!”
  2. “Look at how ugly that Baboon is!”

This rather robust woman and her children argued for an entertaining 10 minutes about this:

  1. “I am telling you that is a bird!”
  2. “No it ain’t ma!”
  3. “Yes it is! Look its got wings!”
  4. “So Wings don’t mean it ain’t no bird!”

This one couple standing next to the Hippopotumus pool had a terribly ironic discussion regarding the hippos as both the couple and their children were the human equivalents of hippos:

  1. “They jus don wanna come out da water!”
  2. “Yea dey sure is slow ain’t dey!”
  3. “Yeah dey is slow and dumb! HAHAHAHAHA”
  4. “Stupid rhinos!”

As we walked through the zoo I found myself incredibly proud of the woman who read the sign that said “Do not walk in the road.” and pointed it out to her family. Think about that: I was proud that SOMEONE else besides my wife and I could read. What makes that worse was the amount of times I heard people say “I wonder what that animal is!?!?!” when they were standing next to a rather informative sign that said not only what it was but listed many of its characteristics. Simply put, as a species we are doomed. I wonder what a sign next to a paddock of humans would say – “Human Being. Stupid creature with the inability to realize that he is his own destruction.”

George CarlinI woke up this morning, began making my son some homemade blueberry pancakes, when on the news they announced that George Carlin had passed away last night at the age of 71. Let me say that I loved George Carlin. I loved his attitude, his wit, his observational skills, and his delivery. Moreover, I would have loved to have had George with my family and I at the zoo yesterday just to listen him one last time. The material there wrote itself. Where ever you have gone George, know this: the world is a worse off place without you in it. I know this for a fact as the zoo sure as hell was.

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Et Tu, Dreyer’s?

Posted on 21 June 2008 by GlazednConfused

Perhaps from my recent fried ice cream recipe, you assumed I like ice cream. You would be correct, and this fact did not prepare me for what I saw at the grocery store today: Dreyer’s has brazenly reduced the size of their ice cream cartons, with nary a price reduction or even a hint on the package. 1.5 quarts? When did this happen? Somewhere along the line, full-size ice cream went from 2 quarts to 1.75 quarts. OK, that I missed that seismic shift, because I think it was some kind of ice cream manufacturer conspiracy. Smoky rooms and backdoor deals were involved, and BLAM! suddenly every ice cream pimp had whittled away their container size.

However, unlike Breyer’s, who uses an odd size carton so you don’t have a clue without reading the package, Dreyer’s uses the same cylinder as most of the other ice creams on the shelf. So now their stubby cartons thumb their nose at me as I sit there pondering which flavor to get. Guess who I didn’t buy? I understand the recession, prices are increases, blah blah blah. I think the key is to increase prices without looking like an idiot.

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Ladies and Gentlemen – I give you Crazy.

Posted on 19 June 2008 by Thraxxus

Or comical genius, You decide.

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Smitten with a Badass

Posted on 18 June 2008 by GlazednConfused

Lara Logan is my goddess now. F*ck the latest crack-smoking, crotch-exposing, anorexic, deluded with grandeur tabloid whore/actress. If you did not see yesterday’s Daily Show, go to the website now and do yourself a favor. This beauty accompanies green berets on assassination assignments, for crissakes! She fights networks to show more realistic war footage! She’s been in Iraq since day one, and was the only American network journalist in Baghdad when American troops invaded the city! Plus, her dreamy voice makes Scarlett Johansen sound like George Burns.

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Open Letter to Golden State Warrior Fans:

Posted on 18 June 2008 by GlazednConfused

After witnessing the catastrophe that was last night’s Finals blowout, I would like to announce that Lamar Odom is now on the trading block – big time. After fudging around the ESPN Trade Machine, I came up with one scenario: Odom for Al Harrington and Brandan Wright. Yes, I am now willing to give you my second least liked Laker (1: Black Mamba) for your least valuable Warrior with a smile on my face. Brandan Wright is just there to even it out – you just know you may never see him play (and if you do, Nellie will just dick his time around until his spirit is crushed). If you have any suggestions, I’m all ears. However, keep in mind we do not need a point guard at this time. Thanks anyway.

Sincerely,

Glazed

P.S. Knicks fans, I haven’t forgotten about you. Is David Lee available? Oh are you sure? Because I hear you guys have about $80mil or so in roster lard sucking from the NY teat. What, you wouldn’t want to send the $17million doughboy on the same bus? Hell, send Jerome James and Malik Rose instead. That’s how serious I am.

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Mock Fried Ice Cream – My Humble Family Recipe

Posted on 17 June 2008 by GlazednConfused

This recipe originated with the fact that one day I opened up the refrigerator and made a breathtaking discovery, one that was worth sharing:

“Hun, how the f*ck did we stockpile three bottles of caramel sundae topping, every one of them open?”

I was determined not to take two bottles to work and leave them in their fridge to die, like I had so many others. An entire box of frozen corn dogs met their fate that way. Sorry, but once you have a veritable corn dog dildo at the fair, a meek store-bought pecker will not satisfy.

Authentic(?) fried ice cream is a concoction best left to the experts with medical insurance and subzero freezers. As a proud owner of a electric deep fryer, it has been tempting. However, the thought of cleaning out a dairy product and canola sludge sounds nauseating.

Anywhoo, here goes:

14 servings of vanilla ice cream*

1 splooge caramel sundae topping, bottled**

1 or 2 handfuls of Trader Joe’s Cinnamon and Sugar Pita Chips***

3 mouthfuls of canned whipped cream****

1 sombrero

Instructions: scoop ice cream into big bowl. Crush pita chips mercilessly over ice cream, then smash with even less restraint into ice cream (ponder how your 401k has taken a dump, or how your late-model SUV is worth less than the new tires you bought last year). Squeeze caramel on top, and mix briskly. Top with whipped topping. Before eating, throw sombrero on kitchen floor and dance around it. Pretend you are in a Genesis music video, and go nuts.

* If the government is really interested in the causes of obesity, they should investigate the ice cream manufacturers. Half-cup servings? Really? Because who the hell has ever eaten just a half cup of ice cream? I don’t think I’ve ever had a half-cup of anything, besides maybe comeuppance. And even then, I was a little disappointed. I guess if they put 975 calories per serving, it might turn off some consumers. At least with fast food, you can only eat as much as they can pile on a bun or in a moderately sized tortilla. The government can’t regulate how big a bowl I can own! Yet – we’ll see come November.

** I splooge = 2 hearty squeezes = 1 Peter North Special

*** Triangles of aromatic sandpaper – perfect for finishing that old-timey rocking horse.

**** Either estimate your mouth size, or actually squeeze into mouth and spit onto ice cream. You can pretend you are a mother bird, if that helps.

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Just Fix the F’n Problem!

Posted on 17 June 2008 by Thraxxus

At what point in our glorious national history did Americans stop being problem – solution oriented, opting instead to focus on a problem – excuse oriented strategy? I grow more weary with each day when I approach someone with a problem, that they are actually paid to solve, and the reply I get is something like “Let me explain something to you…” ending with something about how this problem came about because of X, Y, Z and how they are M, in other words, they had nothing to do with the origination of the problem.

Let me give you a ridiculous example:
You are the captain of a spaceship, the SS SupercoolnWhatnot, something like the Millenium Falcon. One day you are walking around the ship when you notice a hole in the side of it leading to open space. Let us pretend for a moment that the vaccuum of space doesn’t instantly yank you out of the hole in a spaghetti like fashion, leaving you a twisted wreck of gooey space debris. Instead let us pretend that only your air supply is gushing out of the hole. You make a hasty call to your Scottish engineer whom you explain the situation to. “Shamus! There is a hole in our hull through which our air supply is gushing out!” Shamus replies with “Here is the thing – I didn’t do it.”

Nevermind that you are all on the verge of suffocating. Nevermind that you will perish any moment and that it could have been prevented if only the problem were solved. Nevermind that the only reason Shamus is part of your crew so that he may fix hull holes. NEVERMIND THAT SHAMUS CLEARLY DID NOT FIX THIS HOLE. Instead let us focus on the fact that Shamus did not create the hull hole! In fact, let us talk about it until we are literally blue in the face FROM A LACK OF LIFE SUSTAINING OXYGEN instead of solving the real problem, that being that you are LITERALLY DYING.

So my issue: I work with software engineers, in fact I have been one for years. More and more in the technical world I encounter “techies” who don’t actually want to fix the problems that they are paid to fix. Instead they would rather amaze you with their intellect delivered via example through a series of misused vocabulary words and dead end explanations that result in you giving up and walking away. More and more this is becoming the norm –  instead of fixing the problem we can just explain to the person who discovered it that they are mistaken by thinking that there actually is a problem. Meanwhile said problem still exists.

As Microsoft put it – “That is not a bug, it is a feature.”

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Not for the Faint of Heart

Posted on 16 June 2008 by Thraxxus

If you have a squeemish stomach, do not read this. I read this article this morning and almost cried in my office. I find it so terribly sad what humans will do to each other, more specifically, what adults will do to children. Take the child in this story, one of many I have read like it: he is a 1-2 years old, totally defenseless and some creature of a human decided to beat him to death.

It is crap like this that gives me no hope for the human species. We deserve extinction.

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Press hard, there’s four copies

Posted on 12 June 2008 by GlazednConfused

One of the best uses of CraigsList, even more so than selling your useless crap, is random rants. If you come across a good one, it’s like finding buried treasure. Click Here for a classic from a newly retired animal control officer.

Also, here’s an oldie-but-goodie: the vagina couch

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The Daily Shows Breaks New – again

Posted on 11 June 2008 by Thraxxus

It has always amused me when someone tries to argue with me about some subject or another using our mass media as a conduit for their perspective. Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, a comedic show that likes to poke fun at the world in general through a news mask, actually breaks more important stories than most of the major News Networks. Given this fact, why would anyone even bother to watch our Mass Media News? Makes me sick. Rupert Murdoch is an evil bastard.

 

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One More Night? My Next Prayer is for Jason.

Posted on 10 June 2008 by GlazednConfused

Marriage is basically one long string of compromises, mostly minor and some major. Any married person that says otherwise is either (a) gay, from the great state of Massachusetts and married to his/her clone, or (b) the leader of one of those cults that keep their wives down in the basement, visiting them occasionally to breed. I’m confident that those guys have never compromised in their relationships. Yes, I say “guys” because how many of these sex cults are dominated by women? If they are, and they look a lot like Dana Delany in Exit to Eden, please send me a brochure. Otherwise, marriage is like modified tug-of-war. Instead of a mud pit in the middle, there is mud everywhere while both combatants maintain just enough tension to keep everyone clean. Although sometimes you may let go, you know, to prove a point. Those are the fun times. By the way, I’d like to put a shout-out to a good friend who failed to warn me of “Marriage Gladiators” in advance, although he has been married since just about conception. He knows my feelings, and for him I dream a cobra climbs into his sphincter while he sleeps. Followed by a curious mongoose.

So that is what brought me to a church retreat this last weekend. Before you laugh, please let me assure you it was not “sold” to me as such when I agreed to go over a month ago. There is the act of lying, and there is “giving minimal details until waterboarded”, and this was a case of the latter. I don’t hold it against my loving spouse, although I do see some mud in her future. It was a very nice location, in the redwoods, and who doesn’t like camping? Plus it was cheap with food included. Sounds fan-effing-tastic. First disappointment – it was not camping. It was practically a motel. Second, no swimming – the pool sat there, glistening, with nary a lifeguard in site. Finally, we were on a very tight schedule of prayer, lecture, and group activities. Yikes!

I go to church sporadically to see the glow on my wife’s face, but I am not a spiritual person. Let me tell you, for the unmoved, prayer is possibly the most boring activity imaginable. Just sitting there. Also, I am not a big fan of Pastor C. My life is bookended by two famous Christian leaders – Jimmy Bakker and Joel Olsteen. Anyone my age or older knows the Bakker story – evil, money-grubbing televangelist that turned many a believer into a cynic. Joel Olsteen, on the other hand, is probably the greatest speaker I have ever seen. Warm, sincere, barely preachy, and I swear to God he doesn’t even breathe. He is nothing short of amazing. I dare you to listen to him for five minutes without being impressed. Pastor C on the other hand – well he tries. However, he is old-school (he has no clue who “Madden” is), and he knows your problem. You are a sinner. This has turned off a lot of young people in the church, and even he mentioned that there are ZERO college-aged members. “That’s because by then they know better and they discovered sex and narcotics” I thought to myself.

Apparently, he has warmed up considerably since his divorce. Could you imagine, preaching against divorce forever, believing every relationship salvageable by the grace of God, then having your wife brutally dump you? He is almost fifty, and finally loosening up. He actually quoted Ricky Martin in one of his sermons this weekend! Embarrassing as hell, but he is trying. However, he is your prototypical pastor – tall, slim, slick hair, and he blandly drives every point into the ground. Even for a pastor, he mentions God more often than Rudy Giuliani invoked 9/11. A lot of praying, a lot of confessions, blah blah. So imagine 6+ hours of this in a timespan of two days.

Needless to say, I figure two days of church retreat excuses me from an entire year of church activities.

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What do you get when….

Posted on 08 June 2008 by Enigma

What do you get when you mix the following things:

  • 1 feisty cat
  • 1 playful 85 lb boxer
  • 1 love sack
  • 1 box of litter
  • 1 cat door
  • 1 thunderstorm
  • 2 walls

Well I found out! The answer to this question was bestowed upon me when I returning from a movie tonight. The answer is surprisingly simple. Carnage… pure and simple.

The result was:

  • 1 scared shitless cat
  • 1 85lb boxer + about 2 lbs of cat litter and cat poop in her belly
  • 1 destroyed love sack, saturated with pee from a dog scared of thunder
  • 1 empty and disassembled box of litter
  • 1 hole where the cat door used to be
  • 1 thunderstorm (still raging)
  • 2 walls with a dog size hole in them

Ohhh yes and we took some pictures…. enjoy.

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I love MySpace

Posted on 08 June 2008 by GlazednConfused

Not only the best FireFox Add-on ever, but a must-have for anyone over the age of 30.

Good stuff.

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This is what set me off

Posted on 08 June 2008 by Enigma

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Enigma at work.

Posted on 06 June 2008 by Thraxxus

Apparently Enigma finally lost it at work. Take a look how he TRIED TO KILL A COWORKER.

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Neuromancer: My New bible

Posted on 05 June 2008 by Thraxxus

cover artRecently I had a hankering to read books that came out eons ago, more specifically books by William Gibson. I started with and am presently engrossed in Neuromancer, a book that, as GlazednConfused points out, makes Gibson appear to be a modern day Nostradomus. Simple put, the book fore tells the direction we are going and is THE source for most modern day techno babble, stories, movies and technologies. In a way it is scary how much impact this book, albeit unknowingly to most of us, had on our society as a whole.

Turns out that Hollywood has decided that they need to make a movie out of the book that started most of their successful forays into the science fiction world. Irony shows her ugly mugg yet again. Not sure I like their choice of actor in Hayden Christensen as the lead role of Case, but hey who am I to judge?

If you are trying to figure out what to read next try Neuromancer, you will not be disappointed. After that I will be reading another Gibson book called Burning Chrome, which is a collection of short stories. I’ve read that one before and was hooked.

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How I feel at this very moment

Posted on 04 June 2008 by Enigma

Angle 2

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